A Letter to Myself

Memories

Thanks to sweet_nightmares13 for making the multimedia for this chapter.

***

April 24

Dear Self,

Don't cry anymore. Crying will only cause more embarrassment.

Sincerely,

Janessa

My mind was suddenly flooded with memories from the time. The time where I cried on my first day of life at Trinsdale High School. The time where I told my biggest secret. The time where my best friend got suspended because of me. Don't cry, Janessa. It's better now. I wiped a stray tear from my eye. We have a new house now. Don't take those memories from MeadowBrooke with you. Leave them with Dad.

After reading the letter to myself, I tossed it into the third drawer of my dresser, forgetting the subject.

"Janessa! I made breakfast today!" Mom called up the stairs. I jumped back in my bed. I wasn't in the mood to eat. I wasn't in the mood to do anything.

"Janessa! Are you coming?" My eyelids draped over my eyeballs, tempting me to fall fast asleep.

"Janessa!" Mom yelled. Home. I wanted to go home. Maybe if I imagined myself in my old bedroom, I'd wake up there without the burden of my stupid memories.

"This is going to be cold!" Mom screamed with a crackly voice. I rolled over, tumbling right into my soft, blue carpet. "Coming, Mom…"

I dragged myself to the tiny table. "So tell me. How did you sleep?" Mom beamed as I plopped down in my chair.

"Fine, I guess," I absentmindedly replied. She turned to my little sister. "And how about you, Jennie?"

"I had a dream about Derek," she squealed. "I'm going to talk to him today. Do you think he'll ask me out?"

"I don't know, dear."

 "Alexis said he was head over heels with me! I'm so excited!"

I hated when Jennie talked about school. Everyone loved her, and she was the most popular girl in the 5th grade, even with everything that happened to us. But me? Well, let's just say I wasn't so lucky. I tried to keep my mouth shut but I had to blurt out, "Jennie, you're too young to have a romance."

"Yeah, okay," she rolled her eyes and flipped her hair. That was another thing about Jennie. Her hair was gorgeous. No, she was gorgeous. My nose was crooked and I had some acne here and there.

Jennie kept bragging to Mom about how great she was, so I excused myself and escaped to my bedroom.

I dug through my letters and found the most recent. I already knew what to put in my advice letter.

October 24

Dear Self,

Try to be more like Jennie.

Sincerely,

Janessa

***

"Thank you, Kyle," Alyssa smiled pleasantly and walked on. Yet again, Kyle was holding the door for all of the students as they entered Trinsdale High school."Thanks," I muttered, staring into his vibrant eyes for only a second. They were a warm brown, just like my father's. Was that why I was so attracted to him?

Every one of my days started the same: "Find a math buddy and correct your homework." The popular kids huddled together and got caught up on the latest juicy dish. The geeks got together and rambled about their video games. The nerds did exactly what the teacher asked them to. And me? I sat in my desk and waited for someone to partner up with me. "Kuceric!" Mr. Marshal boomed. "Who's your math buddy?"

"I…. Um…" I sputtered. Mr. Marshal quickly examined the room. His eyes stopped at the popular clutter. "Dalton!" he called. "Get over here." Amanda Dalton glided over to us. "Your partner today is Ms. Kuceric." Mr. Marshal pointed at me. Amanda nodded and seemed fine with it, but I could see through her phony smile.

After 85 dreadful minutes, I escaped my prison, only to enter another one: gym.

I arrived to class earlier than usual. I watched all of the students roam aimlessly around the gym as I headed to the locker room. The first thing I heard as I opened my locker was my name.

"Seriously, it's like she doesn't know how to talk!" Brianna Admely whispered.

"Yeah, totally! I can't believe Marshal made me work with her!" Amanda groaned as she slipped on her gym shirt. "It's so awkward. Like I'm like, 'what did you get for this one?' and she, like, barely says a thing!"

 "Oh, yesterday I was her 'math buddy,' and I noticed that she was really nervous or something. Her hands were really shaky!" Nichole Kently's eyes were fixed on me.

Well, that's just great, I thought. I didn't know the popular kids didn't like me. I thought they thought I was invisible.

I came out of the locker room with my head pointed towards the ground. Be confident, and you'll be liked. Look at how confident they are! I scolded myself. The popular girls were confident. A little too confident if you ask me.

"Go Kyle! Go Kyle!" All the girls squealed as he ran around the gym, trying to chase his opponent, which happened to be Brianna.

Brianna Admely? No grudges there. Sure, she and Veronica Relinger ruined my reputation last year, but I was okay with that. Being a dork takes a while to get used to, that's all. I didn't hate them.

Kyle and Brianna were both fast. Within a few seconds, Brianna was dashing my way with the baton. Instead of handing it to me, she gracefully tossed it, so the slight surprise caused me to drop the baton. My team sighed and rolled their eyes while the other team started to laugh. Kyle was quickly approaching me. As much as I didn't want to run away from him, I did. Obviously he caught up to me and lightly poked me in the back. I nearly squealed. "Good job, Janessa." He smiled warmly at me.

I couldn't take my eyes off of him. He made me think of the good times with Dad. Like my fifth birthday. My older brother, Jake, Dad, and I ran around just like we were in gym. We played pretty much every game imaginable while Mom watched. She couldn't horseplay with us because she was pregnant with Jennie. I yearned to relive those times. Or at least to live them with Kyle.

It felt like time had stopped. I kept staring and staring and staring. I think I loved Kyle. But I didn't even realize that I was in the way of Veronica. She stopped short when she noticed me standing there like a lost puppy. Yet again, our team lost because of me. I didn't even notice that I was staring at Kyle for a long time while people were dodging me. How embarrassing!

My best friend, Melissa Duskirk, was impatiently waiting for me to come out of gym. "Oh, Melissa, I made a total fool out of myself today," I moaned.

"What happened?" We began walking down the hall.

"I kept staring at Kyle and I was in the way of everyone!"

"At least you have someone to stare at like that." Melissa kicked the ground. "Patrik moved… or died… or something."

Patrik. I could remember him a little. Melissa was madly in love with him since she was in fifth grade. He made her ecstatic, furious and miserable all at the same time. She still loves him, even if she'll never see him again. Too much like me and Dad.

"Yeah..." my voice trailed off. Melissa was right. I should not have been complaining. I noticed that she was in a bad mood, so I left her.