Remnants -- Remake (Carl Grimes Gay Fanfiction)

19: The Plan

"You've gotta be shitting me."

These shocked words came from Jay, the only person left who I could count to be my friend following the Governor and his men's betrayal of my trust back at Alexandria. He was the only person to whom I could even consider revealing my idea of killing the Governor.

It was a stupid idea, I knew that. Telling someone who had known Phillip for years that my 'great plan' involved killing the man who saved him. But I had to tell someone.

Keeping secrets from people and not revealing my emotions had a frustrating habit of tormenting my conscience to no end. I had learnt that when I killed Simon, and I'd felt uneasy about it ever since; not that I'd dare telling anyone in the group that I felt pity over killing the man who'd shot Rick and tortured Carl.

It was his last words that had shook me. 

He'd said, with blood frothing from his mouth and filling his lungs, "we don't have a choice". It had made him sound helpless, as though he was the victim. I told myself he wasn't, and I was  right to tell myself that, but that didn't change how I felt.

Two days had passed since I had made the decision to kill Phillip Blake, after Tyreese and Sasha's deaths and his traitorous hands, and I had been plotting it ever since.

"I have to, Jay."

"What are you thinking, Riley? He... Jesus, mate."

"I know it sounds difficult--"

"Difficult? No, it sounds insane."

"I didn't think you liked him that much."

"I don't. I hate the bastard. He... Hurt my mom once. Anyway, it's not that part that's bothering me."

"Then what?"

"Just... You. Casually deciding that you can just walk into his room and night and kill him. I might hate him, but he's the leader of the place. He's in charge. And you're trying to play God, with him of all people, and you think it's gonna work."

"It is gonna work, Jay.  I know it's messed up; but I've told you what he's done. What he threatened to do to me. My life's at stake here."

A frustratingly long pause followed. Had I made a mistake in trusting Jay with this?

"Fine, fine," he eventually whispered sharply with a sigh of defeat, "if you are so confident, then tell me: what are you planning on doing?"

Thank God...

"I've worked out the guard patterns. That's one advantage of him living in a hospital filled with windows; you can see nearly everything that goes on inside. There's two guards on each floor - each one carrying a machine gun."

"And you think you're just gonna sneak past them?" 

"I won't need to. Come nightfall, there's a guard change. The first group walk out and a new group walk in to take over. All this goes on through the main doors, which means for a minute or two, the whole place is empty while they talk and... Do whatever is they do when Phillip isn't watching. Now there's a back door too - it's only used for bringing in and out new medical equipment, but as far as I've seen they keep it unlocked." 

"So you're gonna smuggle yourself in, huh? You've watched too much Mission: Impossible."

I smirked in response, hiding my huge sense of relief; I had half expected him to just warn the Governor and essentially have me killed.

Jay reminded me so much of Carl, and their similarities elicited so many emotions from me. First and foremost; love. A love that I was glad to feel, since without it I would feel completely empty and alone, but feeling this was inevitably accompanied with a sense of guilt. I part of me was sternly reminding me that it was a love that should be reserved for Carl, and that I had no right to be sharing it with anyone but him.

And then there was a sense of frustration. A frustration that Carl, my boyfriend, wasn't here with me, and yet Jay - someone who just happens to possess almost all of the qualities that made me fall for Carl in the way that I had - was, almost as though he was trying to take his place. And in an even more frustrating way, he was starting to succeed. 

It wasn't his fault. He was just trying to be a good friend; and he was succeeding at that too. But he wasn't Carl, and he never would be. And that realization alone was my primary motivation for walking into the Governor's room and plunging a knife into his chest while he slept.

It felt cruel, and it was. It was inhumane. But I knew it had to be done, much like it did with Simon.

As he'd said to me with his dying breath, "we don't have a choice". And in a situation like this, he couldn't have been more right.

"So it's settled then," I breathed deeply, the reality and weight of my plan still sinking in, "tomorrow night, Phillip dies."