Sephtis

39. Turmoil.

Eleutheros' words had warned me of the suffering here, but they still had not prepared me for what I found within the village. The people are in turmoil without their healer, and Taaroko's prayers, numerous and passionate, hold no power against the raging poison, soaring fevers, and rotting of wounds. The injured are in Droug's house, the empty hut turned into a nursing house. Horiki is here too, lying near the place that had been Droug's in his last days. The healer is dying, drowning in the fluid and blood that gathers in his lungs. His breathing is like that of a boiling stream, gurgling and bubbling.

I make a bed for Eleutheros in Droug's house, and for a quarter a moon I look after all the injured. The village helps, when they can see something that needs doing; they wash the sick, and change their soiled furs, and gather the roots, herbs and flowers I need from the forest. They watch, trying to learn as I prepare poultices and medicines, peering over my shoulders as I anoint the wounds with ointment for the poison, and bind them up with healing leaves.

At the end of the moons last quarter they speak courteously to me, but I can feel their mistrust. They go and look upon Eleutheros' fearful wounds, and walk away twittering about the savagery of beasts. Some of them speak of a hunt to annihilate the wolves. Eleutheros too, hears the whispers. One day, when I am washing him he says:

"Fear not wolf-woman. I will speak with the people as soon as I am well. I will say that Amitz was only defending you, and that he warmed me, and guarded us on the journey home. I will tell them that the beasts have a gentle side, and are wise. There will be no hunt, I swear."

Still I fear, and his words do little to calm my heart. Merikh is always watching me now, always close, always listening, and I know, deep in my heart he is the one behind the whispers, behind the peoples hate for the wolves. I long with all my heart, to be able to howl the wolfs howl, and warn my kinsfolk, and tell them to go far, far away.

My fears get pushed away to the back of my mind as the wounded men get better, for the time is nearing that I can leave. Eleutheros knows this, and grows restless. Twice have I seen him talking to Merikh, and seeing him with the red haired demon chills my heart, yet I do not have the strength to ask why. We have not talked much, for I have made him stay in his sleeping furs, and we have had no privacy. I have made up my old bed furs next to Horiki's, so I will know if he wakes and has need of me. And I am restless too, and sharp with Eleutheros when he tries to be loving with me. I hate myself for causing him pain, yet I will not change. I hurt him to stop him loving me, and tell him I shall soon be gone.

"Stay a few days more," he says at the dawn after the new moon. He lies wrapped in his sleeping furs, scooping up broth with a bronze and gold spoon that Droug had given me on my twelfth summer.

"My wounds are nearly healed, the poison all but gone. Come with me to my father's village tomorrow, and stay with me there until the moon is gone."

"I want to return to the wolves," I say. I am feeding Horiki, though he only takes a few sips of his broth, and even that bubbles in his throat and is spat out. His skin is grey, his fingers and lips blue.

"Why are you so certain about cutting me off?" asks Eleutheros, his voice has an angry edge to it. He can speak freely now, because before the dawn the men had returned to their families, and we are alone with Horiki. "Give me a chance, please Sephtis. Else you shall always wonder whether or not you could have lived happily with me."

"I will never be happy with your kind," I say. "There is something in them, something shadowed and dark, that I cannot trust. They smile with their mouths, but their eyes are full of loathing and hate. If they were wolves they would growl and bare their fangs, and I would know exactly what was in their hearts. I have been too long with the wolf truth to live with people now. Besides, the wolves are my true kinsfolk, and it is them I love, like my mother did before me."

"True kinsfolk?!" he cries aghast. "Did a she-wolf birth you? You live in a dream Sephtis! Your mother was the wife of a king. You were born at a birthing stone, just like the rest of us. Your mother lived with the wolves for a few seasons when she was young, than Droug rescued her, that is all. I understand your affection for the wolves, for through them you feel close to your fallen mother, but I am nervous of your obsession with them. Sometimes I wonder if you are possessed, and Taaroko was right to exorcise you."

My hands shake as I put down Horiki's bowl on the earthen floor. I rise and storm outside, ignoring Eleutheros as he calls my name. I sit at the edge of the moat, and let my soul fill with longing. Surprisingly, my longing isn't for Kavah, but for Amitz, and the new kinship he has shown to me. We have both been mistreated by a people, and his scars match the ones that I bare on my heart.

Eleutheros comes and sits beside me.

"I am sorry. With my heart and wings I am sorry. I did not mean it, about you being possessed. I have never believed that, not even for a moment. I said those words out of frustration and anger. I am sorry. These past few nights you have been so cold to me, and I have been hurt by it, I was only trying to hurt you in return."

"You did. It was a clever blow, even for a warrior."

"I am so sorry. If I could I would wipe those words out, like they had never been. But I cannot, and I suppose they will forever be dividing us, tainting the space between us. Always keeping us apart. I tried to stop them that dreadful night, when they exorcised you. I would have killed, to prevent what they did to you. But they held me back, tying me to the wall on the other side of the village, leaving me to listen to your cries, unable to come to your side and unable to hold you. And even when we are together, we are separated by words, or by wolves. Oh, my heart. Why is there always turmoil between us? I am trying to win you, and am only making a hellish mess of it."

"I am sorry also," I say. His words seem too perfect, as if they have been rehearsed many a time, but I shake away the chill that has settled in my chest and focus only on him, watching the movements of his lips as he continues to talk.

"Why are you sorry?" he asks. "Because I try to win you, or because I am only making a mess of it?"

His question amuses me, and melts away all uncertainty I had but a breath before, though I leave it unanswered. When he puts his arm around me, I do not pull away, instead I lean against him, resting my head in the crook of his neck.

"I feel it is not our destiny to be together," I whisper. "Whether I am cursed, or whether my kinsfolk are the wolves, you and I are of opposite worlds."

"I saw opposite worlds meet," he replies, "when you and Amitz said farewell. I would give my fighting arm to have that kind of tenderness from you."

We are silent, watching the dawn descend. From deep in the forest, a wolf howls.

"Your kinsman goes hunting." Eleutheros says.

"Kinswoman, it is Zahar. And she is not hunting, she is calling me." I say. "Listen, there are the cubs. And those two long, drawn out howls are Kavah and Amitz."

"When will you go back to them?"

"When Horiki no longer needs me," I say.

"I need you too."

"Your wounds are almost healed, you said so yourself."

"Only the wounds you can see. If you listened to my heart, you would hear it throb with pain and longing, saying your name over and over."

I laugh, and he lifts my chin and kisses me. Again I hear a wolf howl. It is Amitz, and he sounds mournful, and I am anxious for him. But Eleutheros' hands trails across my face and throat, stroking away my fears, and his warmth is good.