Happily Ever After.. No (SQ to Not A Regular Girl)

Chapter 31

I shouldn't of had lied to him. I should of told him my whole memory had returned. It just happened. It was so weird and quick. It was right after I left Justin's house. I hopped on the last airplane to Mississippi, sat on my seat as I kept thinking about Justin and then suddenly it all hit me. Everything returned. When I had first met him, the prank he pulled on me that later on lead us to our first kiss. I remember my dad was dating a woman that he liked a lot but had to break up due distance and Justin worrying that I may do the same since he was leaving for tour. I remembered when Justin took me to the roof of his house and shouted out his love for me to his whole neighborhood. I remembered our first time. I remember how Justin slowly began to distant himself from me and began to change. It all came back. I thought that I will be happy all my memory came back but that only made it harder to forget Justin and move on. I had more memories to cry for and there were more kisses I wouldn't feel again. It only made it harder.

I laid on my old bed and retrieved my journal, where I kept all kinds of rants and little poems I wrote. I opened it and read one of the things that I wrote. It was dated after our first kiss.

"His chocolate eyes with a hint of honey were wide as I saw the smile creep into his face. I don't know why but my pulse went mad just like my heart. Everything felt like it were spinning. His soft pink lips against mine felt like cotton candy, so sweet. I love cotton candy. I wanted more and he leaned a bit closer, showing me he did too but hesitated. I was going mental. But feeling his lips against mine made me forget about everything. His breath tickled me and raised all the hair in my body. I wanted to touch his lips but I didn't. The feeling was so unusual and foreign that I got scared for a moment. I had to leave so I did my best to hide everything and left him standing there."

I chuckle as I scribbled under it, "I hate you Justin!". I didn't hate him. My feelings were developing towards him and it bothered me so much because I didn't know what the hell was wrong with me. There was nothing wrong, I had only fell in love with the most amazing person I could of ever fall in love with. I'm grateful for falling in love with him, even though our relationship went through a lot of crap. His love was enough for me but no I don't know if it is. I want him to show me that he won't hurt me again.

As much as my heart is dying here because I keep saying no to my feelings I know I'm doing the right thing for keeping distance. Everyone thinks the same. People liked Justin and I together, but our relationship slowly became toxic. We got hurt too many times and it had to be stopped. I tried but I always ended up crying on my way home. Nathan in the other hand doesn't hurt me, he treats me well and could be considered as the best boyfriend but I feel nothing. All I feel is friendship. Ever since we slept together we hadn't done it again. It's not that he didn't try I just didn't want to and I refused him every time.

After it happened I was stuck in the shower until my body turned as wrinkled as an old person. I tried to wash it off of me like is if it was dirty. I felt guilty and I hated myself for having done that. I cried in the shower and thought of Justin. I kept thinking that it should of been him even though all the crap, it didn't feel right and I was disgusted. I felt relieved once I remembered that Justin was my first but that was until later.

I feel empty. All this time I have been feeling empty. There is no night that I don't cry or think about Justin. I hate him for being such a huge part in my life. My dad told me it will go away and I'm waiting, but it won't. My face hurts from the fake smiling and my heart hurts when Nathan presses his lips against mine. It feels like I'm cheating on Justin. I feel so guilty for doing this to Nathan but I hoped every night that I will at least fill the tiniest love towards him. But it seems like all the love is closed in a safe that has Justin's name on it. So that's why I broke up with Nathan after the show. He was very understanding and I was relieved. It felt like a stone had been removed from my chest.