Hope

8

Here I was again.

Sitting in the chair in his office.

Four walls with various shades of grey decorated with diplomas.

As He was talking I just stared out the window, his words never helped but instead caused damage.

Why should I listen to him?

In the end the only thing he'll do is just give me a prescription of a new drug to use.

His monotone voice keeps going on and on.

'You're the therapist, you're supposed to be listening to me not the other way around' I thought to myself .

"It seems the Paxil doesn't work so we'll try with the Luvox" he said while getting a pen to write it down.

I'm tired of this, I'm not going let this go any farther.

He's not helping me at all and I have had it.

I got so fed up that I let it all out.

Everything that was on my mind.

Every little unfiltered detail I unleashed on to him.

"You know I find it funny how I'm supposedly the patient and you're supposed to be listening to my sob story of a life.

But instead all I ever hear is how you're going to put me on another pill to try to "fix me".

Don't you understand that taking all these meds doesn't help at all.

By the end of the day I feel even emptier than what I was when I woke up.

My life is nothing but a schedule revolved around pills and loneliness.

Not every illness can be magically cured with a swallow of a fucking pill.

Maybe you'll see some progress in me if you actually ask how I feel.

Maybe you'll get the idea that I don't need another bottle of "happy pills" but you to actually listen.

These last few days were absolute hell for me but what do you know?

All you're doing is going through a list of medicine to experiment on me.

You don't even know a God damned thing I've been through besides me trying to kill myself.

Maybe if you put your degree to use and do your job as a therapist instead of sitting there helping me suffer maybe we can get somewhere.

But what should I know? I'm not the one with the degree."

I let it all out on him.

He just sat there with a dumbfounded look on his face.

He was shocked because that was the most I ever said to him.

In fact that was the most I have ever said to anyone in months.

I checked the time and left because our session was over.

Was I cruel?

Maybe, but if I want to even get better that was the first step to it.

I want to get better.

I refuse to destroy myself even further.

If anything I'm going try.