Reflection

Chapter 7

" In the depth of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer."

-Albert Camus

Chapter 7

I sat up with a start. My eyes still glazed over with sleep. I quickly woke up once I realized what day it was. Today was the day. The last two days passed by in a blur, I barely talked to Landon because I was so nervous.

I know to some, it may not be that much of a deal. To me, it was life changing. However, I was also worried. Could I really do this? I could only hope. I slipped out of bed, padding towards my shower.

Dressed, I made way to the kitchen. Opening all the cabinets and the refrigerator, an apple was all I could find. Munching, I sat on my couch, thinking about what I had to today.

I had to go shopping for workout clothes, since I threw away the ones I had. Not being able to fit them anymore and the memories... It's all in the past, or at least that's what I keep telling my self. I sighed.

Deciding that I wasted enough time, I left the apartment, heading towards a small corner store. Entering, disappointment blossomed.

From what I could see, they didn't have any plus sized clothes. This is the only store I haven't overturned. I was so caught up, I didn't notice someone approach me.

"Hi, welcome to Flex and Fit. My name is Sarah, how may I help you?"

She looked at me expectantly.

" Um, do you happen to have plus size workout gear?" I glanced around, half hoping and half praying.

"Well...," she drawled, " We have different sizes. Let's see if I can find one for you. Follow me." I trailed after her.

"Why don't you pick a stale and I will hand you the clothes?" She asked pointing towards the fitting room. Shrugging, I picked the first door.

After a couple of mins, clothes were placed on top of the door.

"Here you go, call me if you need me." Her footsteps fading. "Thanks." I whispered.

Fitting one pair on, I stood in the mirror. I was sad, this wasn't the body I wanted. This life isn't what I wanted.

At first glance, you would see an overweight girl with self esteem issues. That may be true but no one knew who I really was.

A sad smile graced my face. "It'll be my little secret."

×××××××××

Purchasing the outfits, since they were all the same and the bag Sarah suggested, I made way to the gym.

After greeting Carlson, I went straight to the room that I remembered. Entering, I didn't see anyone. My eyebrows furrowed in confusion.

"Cassandra." I heard, whirling around with my hand to my chest. There he was, in his usual with a hard scowl.

"Don't waste my time. Drop the bags and let's go." He walked away. Quickly complying, I ran or hobbled after him.

Catching up, I glanced at him. A question at the tip of my tongue but I wasn't sure if I wanted to know.

He was stone cold as he strode down the hallways, pausing at a random door. "Come on." He gruffed.

I wasn't sure if this was a dream or a nightmare. This room contained all the equipment you need to get back on track. My mouth was open in awe.

" Today may be the hardest day of your life. I don't make the first day easy. Even for you." He sneered.

All I could do was nod. What else? He was in charge and I am just the puppet.

"First, we are going to start off by stretching then follow up with 30 minutes of cardio. Think you can do it?"

He asked sarcastically. As if he didn't believe in me. I frowned. A spark of determination burned through my body. I opened my mouth, "Show me."

Putting each foot down at a time, like
a small jog, then proceeding to step out with one leg and moving his arms in a clapping motion.

He then gestured for me to do the same. I copied his steps then looked back at him. My heart sunk at the less then pleased look he gave me.

"No, you didn't step out enough. You have to put your all. You're holding back." He glared at me. I glared back.

I was already frustrated with myself for allowing my body to form into my own prison. I didn't need anymore criticism.

"Do it again." His glare intensified, if possible. So I did. I thought it was better but apparently not.

"What?" I asked.

"What are you afraid of? No one is here, it's just you and me. How can you lose weight, if you're not willing to feel the jiggle of your own mistake?" He harshly asked, crossing his arms.

I winced. It was harsh but true, I didn't want to work as hard. I was weak in both sense. I tired so easily.

So I did it again and again, spreading wider, until I felt the burn in my oversized thighs. Until I felt tears and sweat pouring down my face.

I dropped, sobs racking my body. He was right, I couldn't do this. Not without his help, it wasn't just physically.

I had to strengthen my mind, to persuade myself that I could do this, that I wasn't going to stop because I was tired. Or stop because I remembered the rumors and snickers as a teen.

Fat pig.

Wasn't she skinny once?

I heard she had a disorder.

Don't make fun of fat people.

I thought she did drugs?

"You'll never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have." He stated coldly but with an hint of softness, breaking my thoughts.

There was a pregnant silence before I decided to get up again. My breathing still heavy.

"Come on. We still have 30 minutes and no more time to waste." Looking at him I could see a fraction of pride shining. I was greedy, I wanted him to blind me, I wanted more.

I wanted to please him and to accomplish that, I had work. And so I did.