Reflection

Chapter 11

"Drowning in caffeine 
breathing the nicotine
my blood cant circulate - your love will stimulate.
the orgasm of death in meth will simulate
your touch , my need 
as we spiral in to sin

separation , depression , paranoia 
anxiety - the absence of my sleep
aggression , desperation
toxicity - of a drama we are in
discoloration - I can't control the spin

screams - muted by bitter pills
our dreams - induced by the  acid
capsuled lives - longing self destruction
your embrace - disconnection
release me from what is real

obsession - for what we cannot fix
frustration - for what we can't control
memories - of what we used to be
delusions - of what we could have been
isolation - thoughts of being free
now voices dictate what I should feel
digging through my skin - opening the wounds
put your fingers in

remembering the days when we held
an illusion no drugs could replicate 
I can't forget.
exchanging promises of never letting go
was it all in my head?
I can't escape the hole. 
I walk the road alone."

                 - Enin, Psycho Spiral

Chapter 11

The water ran down my face as I prepared to go to the gym, the shower only cleansing the outside of my body but never touching the inside. Turning off the shower, I dried off, rushing to get dress.

Cassius Cassius Cassius. His name ran through my mind. I felt... Obsessed. Was I? I hardly knew him, he hardly knew me, I skipped a week worth of sessions because I felt dumb for feeling this way only after meeting him once.

I was obsessed with him for four years of my life, I just couldn't get enough of him. He was like a drug and as it all goes, he was killing me slowly... inside.

Shaking my head, I grabbed all I needed. Water, bag, and keys... check. I walked out, locking the door and putting the keys in the flower pot next to my door.

This would be the first place they look, I thought grimly, heading towards the gym. It was no use keeping them with me.

Arriving, I look towards Carlton, smiling. He looked surprised to see me.

"Hey, have I seen you around here?" He mockingly looked in thought.

" Har har." I spat, walking away from him, his laughter getting quieter as I weaved through the halls to Cassius. Taking a deep breath I knocked. Then... Nothing. I looked at the time, I was a little early but not too bad.

Sighing, I sat across from the door as I decided to wait for him. About an hour past before the door finally creaked open, a woman dressed in workout gear walked out with a grin on her face as she whispered "Bye." She was so happy, she slid that grin even to me as she walked away, making my heart skip at the gesture.

Tearing my eyes away from her, only to look up into the Cassius's blank face but knowing how to read concealed expression, I couldn't miss the disappointment. I looked down at my lap.

" You must not want this bad enough, Cassandra." He whispered, starting to close the door.

"Wait!" I yelped, jumping up, he freezes. "I do want this bad enough. I dream of a healthier life, where I..." I faltered, "where I'm free." I began to pout, bringing up my old ways to get what I want but having no choice.

I knew he gave in as the door widened again. He drew back, "Don't make me regret this." I smiled, walking through. Oh, how that smile dropped.

Two hours later, I was done with life. I was gasping for oxygen, my asthma acting up as I scrambled for my inhaler. As I put it to my mouth, it was slapped out of my hand, the sound barely heard as Cassius became eye level with me.

"That inhaler is crippling you. Besides your weight, you're healthy. What did you do?" His beautiful eyes bore into mine, his face at a scowl.

Tears burned my eyes, I couldn't look anymore. How many people gave me that same look as I went out of my mind on the streets? It was always the same looks, of pity, disgust, and sometimes downright hate. This man barely knew me but he saw so clearly through me.

" I was an addict, I did everything you could and couldn't think off." I smiled at the past high. " I never cared what people thought because I was so high, I couldn't even remember my name." I chuckled, embarrassed.

I felt him sit beside me, his gaze on my face as I starred off.

"Did you..." He trailed off, hesitate to ask what I knew would come.

" Did I whore myself out?" I asked him harshly but knowing it was somewhat true.

" Maybe, since I was damn near f!cking the dealer." I looked to him, his face expressionless but I knew he was surprised by gasp he tried to hide.

Again with the starring, but I wasn't telling him anymore of my past, he heard enough.

" I think..." He started, me perking up at what he might say, "we should get back to work." He half smiled.

I groaned quietly, disappointed. He got up, holding out his hand out to me, I took it, smiling softly at him.

" Come to session next time." He whispered in my ear, dragging me to hell. I went willingly.

A/N: I hope you guys enjoyed and some of the confusion (if any) was cleared up.

Did you expect this from Cassandra? Let me know your thoughts and it's okay to vote... Or not lol but I would appreciate it!
                    ~Enjoy!!