The Fight (Republished)

Chapter 2: Her Wish

If you read my first story about my girlfriend having cancer, then you'll probably be interested in hearing an update on the situation. It was a long two weeks of silence, but I finally texted her to see how she was feeling. Of all answers that I wanted to hear, she gave me the worst one; she wasn't getting any better. The treatments and drugs she was on at the hospital weren't having a huge effect on her condition and it seemed that surgery was imminent.

When I texted her, I had no expectations, but I was most definitely surprised when she said she missed me and then apologized for what she had said before. Over the two weeks of not hearing from me, she realized how much she missed me and needed me in her life. Friends had gone away on vacation and even family members weren't available that often. The only person who wanted to see her and could see her, was me. I didn't feel any burden when she told me this, I actually felt good knowing that I could help her get through this difficult time in her life. It wasn't as straight forward as I thought though and I found this out the next time she wanted me to visit.

Surgery meant no kids. I let out a big sigh after writing that... It was a tough pill to swallow hearing those words come from her mouth as tears slowly began to roll down her pudgy cheeks. I could tell that the pain she may or may not be feeling at the moment was now the last thing on her mind. Emotions flooded her system as her dream of having kids was being torn from her mind's grasp. We had talked about kids on one of our dates, but now, it seemed that the dream was going to be no more.

I held her hand and held back tears of my own as she continued to sob quietly. There were no words of comfort in my vocabulary, or the English language that could be spoke to make her feel better about the predicament. I felt as helpless as she probably felt and it hurt me to know that her dream was fading. Even if it wasn't going to involve me, I felt that our chances of giving her that beautiful opportunity to give birth was beyond us now. Questions swirled in my mind of other alternatives, but I didn't dare ask her. I couldn't. I simply could not.

After a couple of hours of holding her hand and then drying her tears, we were met by the doctor to go over some final details before the surgery. She spoke mostly to my girlfriend while I listened as a spectator in the nosebleeds. It wasn't my decision to make, but I wanted to support her regardless of what she decided in the end.

From what the doctor said to her, the options she had were slim. The cancer was beginning to progress further and would soon spread so far that she could potentially risk infecting other organs. She grabbed for my hand at one point and I let her latch on until the doctor's final words were heard. She looked over at me as if she had a risky idea in mind and I waited for it.

The doctor wanted to know what her decision was, but it seemed that she had already made up her mind. She inquired about how long she actually had before the cancer spread to other organs and I instantly began to worry. My mind raced, thinking of what she could possibly be waiting for. She set my mind at ease a few minutes later, but then I had a big decision to make. Did I really want to have a kid with her, knowing that I risked losing her a few years after giving birth?

My answer didn't come quickly, but a question did. I asked the doctor about the odds of passing the cancer onto our child and she - point blank - said there was certainly a chance. To be honest, I knew that was going to be the answer, but I guess I hoped the answer would change after I asked the question. My child could be born, beautiful and healthy, but then be raised by a single dad. My child could be born beautiful, with cancer and then I'd lose both loves of my life, one after the other.

Fuck cancer. Honestly, fuck that shit. What has anyone ever done to deserve it in their life? First my neighbour, then my aunt, then my uncle and now my girlfriend. Amazing people like them with beautiful, caring hearts don't deserve this shit. I wish it were Texas Hold'em where you could just fold your cards if you don't like them and be dealt another two the next round. But life doesn't work that way...

The doctor left, leaving us with all the information we needed to come to a decision before the surgery was booked in a couple of days. Yes, we had a couple of days to decide and yet she had roughly two years before the cancer potentially spread to other parts of her body. It was risky to have a kid, but we did have enough time to do it. The idea of freezing her eggs came into the picture momentarily, but that would mean I had to clear out my savings account - which I honestly didn't mind doing.

Two purple popsicles later, we had decided to have a baby. Life is what you make of it and we either had the kid now when we weren't entirely ready, or never. Later wasn't an option anymore unless we froze her eggs, but she still wouldn't be able to carry. Her one wish in life was to have a baby, to feel it kicking, to hear it crying when it was born and to hold it there after. The whole experience of motherhood was something that she wanted in her life and she had just enough time to make her wish come true.

Some people wait until their late 30s to have children when they have found their true callings in life and are well situated. They have careers, money saved up, the ideal partner and everything planned out. Life can't always be planned out so perfectly, sometimes life has to be full of detours and re-organizing. Just because some things happen out of order, doesn't mean that you value them any less. Sure, you may struggle to pay bills when you're young parents, but you will still appreciate and cherish every moment you have along the way. If it's truly what you want in life, then go for it. We followed our hearts and now we are looking forward to something that we've always wanted, just a little bit sooner than planned.

In the weeks that followed, her condition improved and she was released from the hospital so that we could try to conceive. I'll be honest here, I prayed to God for her to be free of cancer. That didn't occur obviously, but seeing her walking around on her own without a machine and tube in her arm, made me realize that her spirit was more driven for life with our baby to look forward to. Our decision to have a child spurred her on when she needed strength the most.

She didn't look sick on the outside, but she was still not feeling the greatest. Medication in the form of a pill was given for pain and she was well enough to gradually go back to her job so she could be active again. Her work was very understanding and she was able to get just enough hours so that she could pay her bills, but not push her body too hard.

Most days that we had off were spent together relaxing, or coming up with baby names. We were hopeful and we were going to be as patient as possible until we knew for sure that a bundle of joy was on its way.

One day we were at the mall - with no intention of buying anything I might add - and we happened to pass by the jewelry store. I detoured in there as if the store had its own gravitational pull. My girlfriend tugged on my hand as soon as we stepped onto the carpet and looked over at me. She had a slightly puzzled look on her face as I smiled back at her.

"Only if you want to," I said quietly, looking her in the eyes. A big toothy grin spread slowly across her face as it began to fill with emotion.

"Really?" she asked, as tears slowly began to trickle down her cheeks. I nodded my head and watched as her lips began to tremble. She threw her arms around me and buried her face in my chest, wiping off tears and a bit of eyeliner in the process.

She mumbled through my shirt, "Yes, I want to get married."