The Fight (Republished)

Chapter 16: One Last Time

Do you want the good news, or bad news first?

Lars had his first birthday two days ago. He was smiling the entire time as he mashed his cake with his hands. I tried to feed a mouthful to him with a spoon, but he didn't even want it. He's such a funny boy. Much like me actually. I did the exact same thing with my birthday cake once...

Now for the bad news I guess. I'm typing this on my laptop at the hospital. Sitting here as my wife lies - once again - in a damn hospital bed. I can't take it anymore. My fingers are shaking and I keep making spelling mistakes. I'm trying my best to get it all into text for you to read, but it's much more difficult now. Before she was recovering with plenty of time ahead of her, now, not so much. The doctors have given her weeks to live.

I don't even want to talk about it anymore. What I really want to talk about is my son. His birthday was so special. I never knew I'd feel like this, so full of joy and pride about something so small. Something I created I might add. With the help of my wife, we created a beautiful boy. She did most of the work of course, but I helped. Now I'll have to raise him on my own, sooner or later.

I'm fighting back tears right now, trying not to soak my laptop in my pain. But I guess I'm doing that by writing, aren't I? This pain needs to come out, it has to go somewhere, some place other than inside of me. It's swelling inside of me, waiting to burst at any moment. My vision gets blurry when the tears build up too much. I have worse things to complain about, but I'd rather not focus on them right now. Where's the damn rewind button?

I don't want this. I never wanted this. I wanted that simple life, not the big mansion one with the fancy cars, where nothing is ever truly owned. I keep replaying those drives we had when we first started dating. Young love, I suppose. We fell for each other quick, but it's always been a strong love. An undying love that I want to live on when my wife is no longer with me. I have to carry her love inside of me and share it with my son the best I can. He needs his dad to be strong, but I don't know how to do that right now. My mother-in-law has him right now, probably walking around the hospital hallways with him, showing him off to staff, or letting him sleep. Here I am, writing about my life, nearly turning into a human flood disaster. I don't know what else to do. I could pray like I once did before, but I know that was in vain. Right? Cure my wife of cancer. That would do the trick, if it would just disappear completely, leaving no trance of its existence behind at all. That would be nice.

I took a break. I needed some air. Someone offered me a cigarette when I went for my walk outside. Don't worry, I refused. Last thing I want to do is cut my life any shorter than it might already be. Who knows what's in store for me. I definitely have no idea. Day by day right? Take it day by day and see where life takes you. For me, I know it's taking me down a dark and lonely road. A road that has dead trees and roadkill all over it. I have to carry my son in my arms, protecting him from everything evil in this world without the help of my wife.

My other family members will help, but they won't be able to help me deep down. Deep down inside of me, there is this relentless pain torturing me. My heart only aches right now, but soon it will be splitting in half. I'll wish I was dead too. I don't want to die, but in that moment I'll wish for it, so the pain will stop. I'll-

She coughed. I have to check on her.