The Fight (Republished)

Chapter 8: Neglected

Frustration is setting in now. My wife doesn't seem to love me anymore. Without the wedding photo of her on my phone, I would barely remember what her face looks like. Her beautiful brown eyes glistening, her smile as it lights up her face, her long brown hair, her perfect lips, cute cheeks and flawless eyebrows. I long to be with her, but I can't. I can't...

Tears begin their descent down my cheeks like mini waterfalls, flowing freely, untamed, but in silence. I wipe them away so they don't drop on my laptop and push onward to get my emotions out before my final moment comes.

I guess I should have started with that... my doctor said my cancer is getting worse. As aggressive as it was, it seems to be building up a resistance to the treatment now and any progress they were expecting to see more of, has receded to almost a month ago. The lack of love and interaction with my wife, kids and other family members is taking its toll on me. My body was fighting strong with the medication, but now it seems to have dropped the shield altogether and given up. I suppose you could say that I've given up hope, but I don't truly feel that deep down in my heart, or soul. I still feel like there is a glimmer of hope and I have faith that things will turn around, it's just a matter of when. When could be tomorrow, a week from now, or - please God, no - never at all.

I feel like an old person at the end of the line; my body used up and fading away, my soul ready to release from it's shell and to return to the universe. I'm not old though and I'm not used up. I'm still full of life and potential, but my body is being attacked, broken down and cutting me short, cutting my beautiful life short. I suppose you could say it's unfair for this to happen to me, but I don't see it that way. It's unfortunate for sure, but whatever will be, will be. I can't control it and I have no say in the matter. I lived my life to the best of my ability, caring and loving unconditionally, giving my all. My wife will attest to this and surely my kids too.

Cancer is seemingly more stubborn than my wife, but you know what, it doesn't matter. She has everything she needs to carry on when I leave this world. I gave her a family of her own to love, cherish and come home to every day for the rest of her life. Sure, it would be nice if I were still there to come home to, but she doesn't need me. She never has if you ask me. Strength has always been there, even if it was being portrayed as stubbornness, or tough love.

My wife probably does still love me, but this rollercoaster of emotions is due to a heavy dose of medication, darkness, inability to do what I want and many other variables. Sure, I probably sound bi-polar now, going from one thought to another at the opposite end of the spectrum - swinging my mood like a monkey in a tree - but that's just how it is. Who says that there is an easy way, or one set way of dealing with cancer? Who says that it applies to any other adversities in life as well? Sure, we all deal with things in our own way... for me, it's writing so that it keeps my mind off of the predicament that I'm in. The medication takes the pain away and I'm left feeling numb, but locked up with not much to do. I have lots to say apparently...

In all honesty though, as I continue to write, I find my thoughts becoming more and more clear and my mood progressively brightens. Sure, it won't last for long and I'll start my next bit of writing bitter and wishing to be free, but for half an hour or so, I feel my wife's love return to me when I thought it had gone completely away.