The Fight (Republished)

Chapter 15: Released

The day had finally come for my wife to be released from the hospital. Lars had been eating well and my wife had recovered fully from the surgery. The doctor said she would need weekly visits, then bi-weekly ones if things checked out all right. From what they explained to us, we were under the impression that it was just a precautionary thing, nothing to worry about as we finally started our life together in our house. Visits were to be brief, simple and painless. Her cancer was their main concern, but I wasn't so easily assured that it was the only thing trying to take her precious life away.

Every night I would wake up sweating, hand to my chest as my heart felt like it was going to burst right through my rib cage. Sometimes I would wake my wife, but other nights I'd go to the kitchen for a glass of water and briefly check on Lars. Considering all the bad luck our family seemed to have, he was a horse shoe. He rarely woke us up and even when he did, it was very easy to settle him down. Being so innocent was such a blessing. He had no idea of what might happen to his mother. All he wanted was to feed, be held, cradled, burped, and of course, to have his diaper changed. His life was simple, uncomplicated and free of fear. I'm not sure if he could feel loss, but if he could, I wished he couldn't.

Whether it was in a year, or even when he was a fully grown man, he'd have to come to terms with losing his mother. I would have to come to terms with losing my wife and then care for my son all on my own. How was I suppose to do that exactly? Making a baby takes two people and raising one is supposed to be the same way. I always envisioned getting married, having three or four children - two at the very least - and growing old with my wife as our children visited with bundles of joy of their own. Grandchildren would be the reminder of what I was going through now. If I lost my wife, that reminder wouldn't be so nice for me. It would bring me back to a time of uncertainty and then finally devastation if my wife was to lose her fight.

As certain as the doctor was about her life expectancy at this time, I didn't want to believe it. I was in denial. Every time I'd have a nightmare of me rushing her to the hospital with another hemorrhage, or some other complication related to her anemia, or cancer, I'd cry and wish that I could wake up to my real life - my perfect life. Although there is no such thing in existence, I wished there was. An alternate dimension where my wife and I were incapable of dying and our son was just the same. A world where cancer didn't exist and we lived until we wanted to die. I could have so many grandchildren that it could span five generations if I wanted it to. Sadly, reality has to settle in at some point, and for me, that's right now.

My wife has so many things wrong with her body that she could have died well before giving birth to our son. She was lucky to have made it through labour and now it was a matter of time before one of her multiple problems snuffed her flame out. Between cancer, anemia, possible hemorrhage again, or something else hiding in her body, I wanted her to beat them all. There was no choosing which way I wanted her to die. I didn't want her to die. I don't fucking want to her die, God dammit!

Emotions are bubbling over as you can see. This is why I wrote a different story at first, so you wouldn't have to see this side of me. The side of me that I like to keep hidden from everyone else so they don't see how weak I am. Like I've said before, my wife is the strong one. We're both stubborn, but because of what she has pulled through in her life, she is ten times stronger at least. She deserves to live a complete life, not me. That's why I put myself in her position at the beginning of this story. I originally put myself there because I thought it would help me deal with the pain. Ever since the beginning I've wanted to trade places with her, allowing her the opportunity to raise Lars to be a respectful man on her own. He could be a momma's boy and I'd look down on him from heaven feeling so proud of my son. I'd miss out on taking him fishing, biking, and watching cars race, but I think my boy needs his mother more.

Am I selfish in saying that? Maybe I'm being ridiculous right now, but my sacrifice would be worth it if you ask me. I shouldn't say that... I really shouldn't. No life is worth more than another. We're all equal. I just wish I could do something, anything. My wife is dying at a much quicker rate than anyone else and there's nothing I can do. Oh, I suppose I should tell you this as well. Radiation would kill her. Because of her condition, she can't have chemotherapy - nothing. Everything that they could offer, would kill her even quicker than the cancer is doing right now. When I wrote about cannabis oil in the section I lied about, it wasn't completely a lie. Cannabis oil was an option, but it's too late now. They won't even allow it here anyway, so we'd have to purchase it from someone, or go to some place where it's legal. We've run out of options for her; I've run out of options. There's nothing I can do for my wife, other than love her with all my heart until the day she dies. Harsh truth. Harsh truth indeed.