Things I never told

What about love ?

Love is a beautiful thing... But what do I really know about love ?  

As I said in the introduction, I've been in love with the same guy for years. I fell in love with him the second I saw him. It's been 6 years now and I haven't experienced anything like this with anyone. I just love him, I can't explain how or why.

The last time I saw him was on June (less than a month ago) -this is 18 yr old me talking btw- I'm so fascinated by how I feel when I see him, or walk  by where he lives. It's so weird, I still feel the same as I did years ago. He's that one person I think about when I look at a couple, or watch a cheezy romantic movie. We all have that one person I guess. 

It's so bittersweet for me, I'm super happy to have experienced being in love and all the amazing things it comes with.  But at the same time, we just graduated. Who knows if I'm ever going to see him again? Like, is this supposed to just go away ? Are we going to just forget about each other ? Are we going to forget that we both found that one special person ? For six years I haven't been able to imagine falling in love again or even being with someone else... Sure, I get crushes on a lot of people, but it's not the same.

Ughhh, I don't know how I feel anymore, I know things aren't meant to be sometimes, and I have to trust that things are going to be okay for me. I know for sure that being in love with him for so long only made me build it up in my head and think of it as much more than it actually is. Him and I aren't close anymore, I know stuff about him but, right now, we're kind of strangers. I'm sure there's something about him that must be a huge turn off for me...But I'm not sure that it'll turn me off. 

Since I skipped from being 17 to, now, 18, I should mention this : I went to another high-school on my senior year, so I didn't see him everyday like I used to. I'll explain later why I did it, but a part of it was because I thought that maybe not seeing him could make the feelings I have for him go away. It didn't. I live next to the high-school I used to be in so I saw him all the time right in front of my house smoking with friends, and I said hi to everyone each time I saw him. Normally, when we were still in the same high-school, I would just smile at him and keep walking til I got home, but this year I stopped everytime I saw him and made small talk. He even stopped as well once when he saw me, I was with a friend and he stayed with us for like 15 mins or more, it had been ages since we held a conversation for more than a minute - and of course I was having a fucking BAD HAIR DAY - he had somewhere to be, but he still stopped and talked to us for so long. It was amazing and I was so uncomfortable. I wanted him to both, leave, and stay. I saw that we didn't have the same ideas anymore, he smokes and drinks and does the shit I used to be into because I didn't know any better  - eventhough I find that kind of bad boy attitude super attractive in general - he had lost a little bit of weight because of it, it's too much for me, and I had gained weight (same number he had lost, weird right?) so I felt too fat to imagine us fucking, we just didn't fit - JUDGE ME, I'M JUDGING ME RIGHT NOW - (Again; a lot happened from 17 to 18 I'll explain later why I gained weight) . My point is : I was starting to see that maybe it was all in my head, maybe it was for the best that we weren't as close anymore, I could see how different we were from each other. I wasn't upset, I was happy. I had missed him and it felt good to come to the realization that maybe I can still love someone else. But I still thought about just jumping on him right there and making out with him...it's a reflexe...i guess...

I see him talking to other girls sometimes and it gets me wondering if he still likes me, but I don't get that sad anymore, I blew it. He made all the moves he could and I blew it because I was too insecure. I can't get sad when I see him flirting, it hurts but I'm being rational here, I have to move on. And I talk to other boys so it's no big deal... It just hurts me that any fantasy I ever get is still with him and only him. I don't know what to do about it. I keep telling myself that maybe the best love stories are the ones we don't get to live. It's forever there in my heart as this beautiful thing, it's so innocent and pure, and  we both kept it intact, he never did anything bad to me. So maybe not getting to ruin those things is the price to pay for something that unique. Some things aren't meant to be.