Things I never told

The truth (part 2)

Hey i'm back !

So this will be the hardest part to write yet,

So basically I kept asking "S" what was wrong, I'm not going to go over all the damn times I tried to be there and figure things out, fix things, fix us, get her to open up...And her being cold and mean and hurtful and emotionnally abusive and act like there was nothing going on and make me feel bad about asking... I think you got it. Well, well, well...She said, yes there is something. I was like omg finally !!

She said only one person knew, and she said that no one could know, that she would keep it a secret... I told her she could tell me literally anything and that I wouldnt jugde her. She said maybe someday. She also said that it was weird that i hadnt figured it out yet... I asked if it had something to do with the fact that she was gay, she said yes. I asked her if she was transgender she said no, i asked again and she said that she wasn't. So i dropped it, I couldn't think of much else. I was confused because whatever the heck was going on with her didn't give her any right to treat me the way she did but I didn't say anything, I was finally close to getting her to say anything to me.

Anyway, I was anxious and had mini panic attacks everytime we talked, I had no idea I did tho. But looking back now, I know I did and I regret never ending things sooner, before things got really really bad...

Well she told me she ''loved me'' I was choked like fuck and she said she had to tell me and that she didn't want us to stop being besties because of it, she said she didn't want to lose me, she didn't want me to feel betrayed or stop talking to her. Anyway, I said to her that I had no idea, that I didn't feel the same way but that it wasn't going to change anything between us if that's what she wanted. I told her about being in love with that boy and I said to her that I was pretty sure he liked me too and still we weren't ever going to be together ... Basically I tried my best to react the best I could since she wanted to stay bestfriends, I was there for her, I was proud of her for openning up ...

But a lot of it just didn't feel like that was the actual problem, voices started getting louder and louder in my head, it didn't make any sense but I had spent so much time trying to figure out what was her problem with me that I ignored how much it didn't make sense... Soon enough I started having a panic attack and it was the first time I knew that I was having one, my worst one yet. I couldn't sleep or breathe, I did what I think was the biggest mistake anyone can do in times like this : I WENT TO GOOGLE, me and my panic attack, I started looking for similar stories and I read a lot of em, I wanted to know what was the thing to do. I had no idea how it was going to affect our friendship but at the same time I was trying to be very accepting and open about it, she had finally opened up so the least I could do was to handle it the best I could. 

Google. Big mistake. They always say to never google your symptoms when sick. Well now i understand why... Basically, I read so many stories of lesbians being in love with their straight besties that I started asking myself : "Wait, what if I felt the same way? Omg am I gay? " I know, it seems stupid of me to even think that but this single thought was all it took for OCD and anxiety to make their way into my brain. I was officially very motherfucking mentally ill, of course I had many panic attacks when ''arguing'' with her before but it wasn't anything as bad as what I was feeling that night, and -spoiler alert- the rest of the year. Thoughts started flying in my head uncontrollably, I was telling myself that girls keep breaking my heart, and that I could relate to breakup songs because of it... Anyway I was listing in my head every possible reason I could be gay (omg the october 2016 me has trouble writing this right now, but hey, I'm telling things as they happened no matter how embarassing and fucked up) I was genuinely alarmed and don't get me wrong, I'm not homophobic, and that was the problem. I wasn't feeling like it made sense at all. Like, my body was reacting in the weirdest way, I was dizzy, couldn't eat at all or sleep or cry and I was trying to just be rationnal and I couldn't be at all. I had no idea what the fuck was happening to me, it was hell. My heart was beating so so fast...