Things I never told

The truth

The reason why I'm even writing is to talk about how devastating it is to fall even harder and deeper after finally making it to the top, and of course I want to help people who went through something similar. But I find myself avoiding to think about this... It still hurts a lot and I'm not in a place where I can write about it without having a painful emotionnal breakdown...But then again, I haven't tried writing about it, maybe it'll help me, or a least get me to see things clearer. I'll probably cry but whatever...I honnestly feel like I don't have much to lose anymore.

 I'll try my best not to make it too dark and depressing, I'll keep it real though.

I personnally never really related to others, probably because everyone has their own story but I really wish I had someone to tell me that things were going to be okay instead of learning the hard way as I always seem to do. Things are not okay right now, but things are much better than they were exactly a year ago when I first got hit by mental illness and dissorders (in July of 2015).

I don't know where to begin and where to go with this, there just is so much to explain (Yay I'm already crying) it's not easy at all to explain how a person with OCD thinks, I felt crazy, like legitimately crazy. I know this might not be interesting to many people but if I only help ONE person going through the hell I went through, it'll make it all worth it. And I'm not playing the victim here, I've learned a long time ago not to be the victim, eventhough sometimes we need to be the victim and just cry and scream and throw things at walls...(or is it just me ?)

The me writing this now isn't looking for sympathy, I'm going to tell things THE EXACT WAY they happened ("Luckily" getting struck by major anxiety and OCD after healing from a 5year long depression is already terrible enough, so I won't need to invent anything). 

So I mentionned before the conversations with my bestie who would get cold and lie to me for no apparent reason and would do passive agressive things to me almost daily and the many many many times I would just try to communicate through whatsapp messages and figure out why the fuck she was like this with me ever since we started talking about deep subjects like depression and cutting...

-We always spoke on whatsapp about touchy subjects only because we never had time to really talk at school or when hanging out with friends, it never felt right for me to bring things up at certain moments - 

I didn't know it then, but now I know that each time I tried to talk to her about her behavior towards me and figure out what was going on with her she saw me as this awful person who thinks she knows everything about life and people, I was pissing the shit out of her everytime by saying shit like :''I'm here for you'',
 ''I care for you'',
''You know I don't judge",
'' You can tell me, why won't you tell me ?''

The more I was doing this, the more she hurt me back and the more I couldn't shut up about it ...It was a vicious circle, she always found a way to get me to not be able to stop sending her huge paragraphs asking for explanation as soon as I would get home from school, but I just wasn't seeing it that way, I genuienly and deeply cared for her. She would piss me off on purpose by making her answers shorter and shorter and as hurtful as possible... All I got from this was that she needed help and that I shouldn't get mad at her for doing mean things to me and that she was eventually going to tell me what the heck was up; Instead I was the one saying sorry, every damn time after asking her to open up to me... She just was so nice and fun to be around when things were fine, I thought I was the crazy one for thinking she had a problem with me. 

By May 2015 the final exams were approaching and all I did from my nights was either cry because of something she did to me, or bombard her with messages literally all night long asking for explanation and trying to make rationnal hypothesises about what was going on that made her do whatever she did that day.
Often she never bothered to answer or read, she just replied to me with the:''OK'' that would always get me started again with the messages....She didn't give a shit that she was driving me crazy. In fact, I think she enjoyed it. She was emotionnally abusive but I didn't know what it meant, I had no idea. I was so stupid for staying up all night sending her messages and trying to figure her out. There's nothing to figure out sometimes...I always felt so bad for asking her all the damn time and I didn't want her to see or know how upset I got because of her, so in class, we were okay, we laughed and talked about normal things. All I ever said to her face to face (after one of our endless conversations on whatsapp where I was the only one  talking) was:"You're not mad right !?" or ''I'm sorry and I'm still there for you''  with a smile, she would smile back assuring me that everything was fine and we would ignore that she was absolutely awful to me just a day before.

(BTW THIS IS SO FUCKING HARD TO WRITE AND READ. I wanna make it shorter cus It's so repetitive and annoying to read I'm so so sorry but it's literally how my brain was at the time i was obssessing over everything. I CARED TOO MUCH. IM ACTUALLY MAD AT MYSELF.)

Since we sat next to each other in class everyday, I still enjoyed her company a lot, don't get me wrong ! I'm talking shit about her now as 'the July 2016 me', but oddly enough, I wasn't thinking of her as a bad person back then, even if I would get home everyday already thinking about the shit she does to me and cry about it. Each time that I cried, I cried because I thought it was all my fault and that if I hadn't asked, she wouldn't be this way. - I'm impressed by her for getting me to think it was my fault -

She was so nice when I was doing what pleased her and so damn mean whenever i dared to speak abt some stuff. I just wanted to know why she didn't trust me enough to tell me why she did the stuff that she did and that I still can't explain to this day... 

I never saw the bad in her, I always blamed myself, I always thought I deserved it, I even thought that I was the problem because everyone just ends up hurting me... :(

Ugh now the painful part... Where it got unhealthy.

How I got my OCD and anxiety and how it completely ruined my life. (I'm crying again yay) 

I think I will finish this a little bit later. I can't do this now, I'm listening for the first time to Shawn Mendes' ''Treat you better" and I'm gonna lose it if I keep writing, those lyrics are like so relatable for someone who went through any type of abuse...On a brighter side: he looks soo hot in the video shirtless *-* (I'm not really a fan of his, I only know 3 of his songs this one included but I'm starting to really like him ! )

I have a funny storytime type of thing coming soon ! Stay tuned, it's soo so epic !! :')