Shorter Than Me

29 Ecyn

When I wake up, I have a short second of the half-asleep bliss that comes before you remember what there is to do. Today, or tonight, is the expedition. People will die, people will get hurt, and titans will eat. There was a significant percentage difference between the deaths of normal expeditions and the last nighttime expedition, so hopefully more lives will be spared this time.

I try to keep myself out of the foreboding mindset of knowing death will come. I might see it, and I might be it.

I place both of my necklaces around my neck, then tuck them beneath my shirt. I usually just wear the standard white-collared shirt beneath my jacket, but I decide instead to wear a grey long-sleeved shirt with no collar. It looks different on me as I look in my mirror.

The dining hall is filled with the tension that comes with anticipation. The common tone of all the voices is quieter and more restless, giving the very appropriate vibe of anxiety. The second I walk in, I can sense the mutual feeling. It's going to be even quieter tomorrow.

There's an odd meal that feels like breakfast, but has the food of dinner. My squad, especially Fellip, tries to lighten the mood, but essentially makes it plummet into oblivion at its failure. I manage a wry smile a couple times, but I'm sure it looks more like a grimace than any sign of humor. Eventually, no one tries anymore.

The Commander manages to pull off a very heartwarming speech that pushes the life back into everyone. It will only last until we're through the gate, however. After that, everyone remembers that people die and we forget that people live.

It's a very depressing mood, and I don't want to make it worse by worrying about my mother. Even so, I convince myself that if Caine sent news that she is looking or acting better, it would definitely help me stop being so concerned. Before I head out to get my gear and horse, I stop by the mail room to check if there are any letters for me. I'm in a rush, so I just grab it and hurry out. I find my squad and we get our blades. They're all laid out outside so there isn't a terrible line for the supply building.

The horses were all prepared by a few of the squads, so they're just waiting for us. The supply wagons are all loaded as well, so all we need to do is ride out. I glance at the envelope on the way to the Karanese District. It's not from Caine, but Gabrell. It won't be about my mother then. It's probably just a regular "how are you doing" letter. I decide to open it just as we're entering the Karanese District.

Ecyn,

I'm very sorry, but your mother has died from Titan Fever. Please come home as soon as possible.

I stop reading as my heart drops past my feet. My fingers go numb and my eyes start to water.

It's not possible.

I can't look at the paper again to confirm I actually read what I thought I read for fear of it being true. I shove the letter and envelope in my saddlebag and glance around.

I know this street. I could break away and go home to make sure what I read isn't true. My body won't move. Maybe it wants to keep its duty to the Scouting Legion. I take a quick breath and involuntarily hold it. I have to force myself to breathe for some reason. It's like my chest is caving in.

Once we reach the gate, I twist in my saddle, trying to see if Caine is here among the crowd. Jewel leans closer to me. "Are you alright, Ecyn?" She looks concerned.

"Yes, I'm just trying to find my brother." The lie comes easily, even though it isn't a lie. I am trying to find my brother. I am alright because my mother isn't dead.

"Oh. What does he look like?"

"It doesn't matter. He's probably not here." He has school today. They wouldn't let him out.

We pour out through the gate and I push my mind to distract itself. I need to concentrate and distract myself with immediate danger.

Sorry for the terrible tone which led to an even worse tone. This is not the way to start an expedition, nor is it the way to follow up the last few parts in this chapter. I'm sorry, readers. I'm sorry, Ecyn.