Shorter Than Me

30 Levi

We've barely been back a few hours before Guiin is leaving. I overhear someone saying she needed to go to a funeral. It might be her mother, which would explain how she acted on the expedition. She shouldn't have gone into combat in an emotional state like that.

At least what I did was able to snap her out of it long enough to keep her safe. It seems like I always end up saving her. When I was training her, her first expedition, her second expedition, and this expedition. It confuses me why I'm the one saving her while no one else even needs saving.

Or...I decide not to save anyone else.

Then I kissed her. I try not to think about that. I'm actually glad she left so soon. I know she's going to confront me about it, and her leaving is giving me some time to decide how I feel about what happened. Obviously it's going to mean something to her, so I can't just say it was a random impulse with no feeling behind it. That would also be lying. There was feeling behind it. I just don't want to think about it.

That's my first and only instinct: don't think about it. It will go away. Actually, "it" will come back in a few days and expect answers from me.

Answers I don't have and don't want to think about. Answers that will start me thinking about everything I've worked so hard to avoid.

Every single person I start caring about dies, and I can't do anything to stop it from happening. Maybe it's my fate, or some punishment. Maybe I have terrible luck. But then, do I really even care about Guiin? If I don't, then why did I do what I did?

If I let this happen, Guiin will die, just like Petra, Farlan, and Isabel. But I already let it happen. Now I can let it die and have her loose her respect for me, or I can change everything I am for the possibility that she will be receptive and accepting of something I have no idea about. Judging by who I am and how I act, she won't be receptive or accepting. Petra was, and she was one of a kind. Guiin is not Petra. She will never be Petra. I can't let her be Petra.

I grip the armrests of my chair so hard I could probably rip them off without any effort. I lean forward and press my forehead against my desk. My breathing quickens.

This is why I don't let myself think about things like this. I'm not emotionally unstable, but my emotions are so controlled all the time they have to come out in large bursts occasionally. I hate it when it happens. I hate it.

I kissed Guiin and now I have to live with it.

I kissed Guiin.

What was I thinking?

I didn't want her to die. That was the last thing I wanted.

But then I kissed her.

I try to convince myself I thought she was Petra. It was dark and I had my arms around her like I used to have them around Petra. But I know I knew exactly who it was. I knew exactly who I kissed. I knew I cared about her enough to want her safe.

I still do. I still want her safe. But do I want her?

Dammit, Levi. Why can't you think? Why don't you know yourself well enough to know what your feelings are?

I don't ever feel feelings, that's why. Why did I do that? Why would I make it so I don't understand feelings? They hurt, that's why. All my feelings hurt. Even the ones that didn't at first just hurt even more in the end.

Stop thinking about it, stop thinking about it, stop thinking about it, STOP THINKING ABOUT IT.

It's the hardest I've ever tried, but I have enough practice. I just stare at my desk and concentrate on the grain.

My eyes reach the small chip in the corner and I remember that night. Then I slump back in my chair.

I slouch in the chair, and something comes out of my eye. It drips to the side of my face and falls to my shirt. Then another one crosses my cheek and falls as well. My chest empties as everything inside pours out from my eyes.

This is why I don't let myself feel anything. Once I start feeling something, everything else takes over.