twenty one :.: joshler

I

June 17th, 11:26pm

Josh's POV

Thirty four minutes.

A little over a half hour until I'm legally allowed to consume alcohol. I should be ecstatic, shouldn't I?

But I'm not, and quite frankly, I don't mind. I'm one to over think mostly everything, and sometimes if I convince myself that one specific situation or occasion doesn't matter at all, it'll end up better than if I were to dwell on it. Because that's what leads to paranoia, and anxiety. I don't know about anyone else, but I'd rather feel nothing at all than be on edge every second of every day. Sweating through my shirt, nibbling anxiously away at the cracked, dry skin on my lips. I'd rather just not care.

Yet sometimes, that specific strategy refuses to cooperate in my black hole of a brain, and the crushing apprehension is sadly inevitable.

As I scroll through Instagram mindlessly, I barely realize the banging on my front door. I groan as I pull myself up off of the couch and walk over to the door, unlocking and opening it.

"Hey!" Debby shouts cheerfully, grinning from ear to ear. I smile and invite her in.

"Hey, what're you doing here? It's eleven thirty at night." I say and she shrugs, slipping off her shoes as I close the door behind her. Capn' obvious award goes to Josh Dun, everybody, I think, rolling my eyes at myself dramatically.

"I wanted to be the first one to wish you a happy birthday in person." She smirks, grasping her bottom lip between her pearly white teeth. I wrap my arms around her slim waist and place a soft kiss on her lips.

"Aw, how thoughtful." I whisper in her ear, earning a small giggle. She pulls away to slide her jacket off and hang it on the coat rack beside the door. We walk to the living room and I resume my previous spot on the couch, Debby situating herself next to me.

"Wanna watch a movie or something?" I ask her, she nods, "Alright, what do you have in mind?"

"Anything is fine, babe." She says sweetly. I kiss her cheek and stand up to grab the remote, opening Netflix. I pick a random movie Mark, my room mate, has on his 'top picks'

I lay back down and wrap my arm around Debby as she cuddles into my side. She reaches up to kiss the skin under my jaw once, then focuses back on the movie I'd put on.

The film holds my attention for a few moments, but then I begin to think. Something I do an awful lot of. Sometimes it's dangerous. Vivid memories of the past, dark, murky water, painfully drowning out any source of light in my mind, any form of a nice memory. When you try desperately to focus on what really matters, the good, your mind tries five times as hard just to make sure it's one step ahead of you at all times. Just to make sure happiness is a possibility immediately eliminated. I find it hard to hide it, my pride is no longer inside. I'm forced to deal with what I feel. I find that sometimes the only way to remind myself why I actually exist on this earth, is by looking inside of me. The past.

Yet I'm still not quite sure why it is I exist.

Happiness.

One word I don't think I've ever been capable of describing with my own words, out of my own mouth. I have no knowledge of why this specific word has lodged itself in my brain just now, but it's beginning to get me thinking.

Maybe I'm subconsciously waiting, pleading for somebody to define it. To define it to me, to tell me that they need me, and mean it. To understand, and at least seem intrigued with what I have to say, what I think. Someone who refuses to brush off things that may seem simple and inadequate to anyone else.