Im Not Ok!

Day 55

I didn't tell my mom about flower killing herself I didn't want her to cry. Like me, no one should feel that but I deserve to feel it... It was my fault anyways so I need to feel that. I had to go to school today too they made an announcement on the intercom about the girls dyeing I ran out the class to the bathroom and cried I probably sound like a baby but I loved her so much and wish she was here. After lunch walking to chemistry was so scary I wanted to punch people because everyone was cowering agents the lockers whispering " he made her kill her self," "its all his fault" now I understand how she felt when that happened to her so I punched some kids who were whispering and some doors and lockers and teachers and walls punching and screaming till my knuckles bled. And oh my they bled hard, tears streaming down my face my mother came in and my father who looked so disappointed they got me in to the car and rushed me to the hospital, I broke 4 of my fingers on my left hand and broke my wrist on my right hand. My mother was outside my room crying and I just wanted to die because I did this I caused it all it was my fault. Everyone will be afraid of me now, I never wanted this she never let me finish I would not be here with out her. She wouldn't be dead, she would be by my side forever and always and I was going to ask her to marry me. Bow you understand how much I loved her and that would have done anything for her to be happy but once I stepped in talking to her best friend who was mad I caused all of this to start I ruined everything. Maybe I can still kill myself if I try hard enough it might work. I may as well give up on life because I know they are going to find that she killed her self and they will also find out i broke up with her and then they will just be disappointed and angry at me. They will also make me go to therapy witch is the last thing I need right now. I just need to be alone. In walks my mom wiping away her tears I apologize, she walks up to my bed side and kisses me and says that its not my fault and that she understands she explains how as a kid she almost killed her self before she met my father and he saved her, protected her, and loved her. She was slightly crying but nothing to major. I immediately started crying and told her how I loved her and that I didn't mean for any of this to happen. Yet it did. She seemed upset while we were together but I made her better she said. I told her I loved her and I had planed on asking her to marry me. But I was afraid I would scare her away. She wanted to talk to me the day I broke up with her. I mostly did it because I thought that was what she wanted so I said that I wanted to break up with her because she made it seem like she didn't want to be with me. I tried to hug her and but she punched me and pushed me away so I started to cry but I did not want her to see me like that so I ran in to the woods and cried for 2 hours straight. I lied to you and told you I was studying with some friends because I didn't tell you I had a girlfriend im sorry for keeping that from you. Now all I want to do is just die. So I don't have to suffer anymore. Im so sorry. She stopped crying and looked at me, she said it is not my fault and that it never was, I couldn't go back row school either I was expelled forever. Now, mom can I ask you a question? Yes anything you want. Do I have to go to therapy? No. Thank you,I was still crying but I was happy to know that mom understood what was happening now.