" h-h-hello" I managed to stutter out across the phone.
"Baby, I'm sorry."
"I thought you loved me Wes."
"I did, Haley I do"
I hung up the phone faster than I answered. I was stuck in a nightmare I didn't want to wake up from. It had been 3 years and I had thought I had finally found the many I was gonna marry. Everything was good until one night at his house. He had been drinking which wasn't unusual for him but nothing could of prepared me for what was about to happen.
"Baby I love you so much."
"I know you do." I said as I reached for his hand. He bent over to kiss me but this time it was different. He had a look in his eyes I had never seen before. A look that almost scared me. "Are you okay Wes."
"I'm about to be."
I didn't understand what he meant until he started reaching for my pants button, I pulled his hand away and looked at him. He knew I wasn't ready for this so why was he pushing.
"Stop being like that you have nothing to be scared of."
"No, I don't want to, please get off of me and take me home now."
"Your not going anywhere yet."
That night he took my virginity and my innocence. I had fallen victim to rape, by the one guy that I thought would never hurt me. As I went home that night tears streaming down my face all I could say was why? I got home and immediately jumped in the shower, I had to get the filth off of me. With every drop of the water all I could feel was him. The way his breathe felt on my neck. The way his hand felt touching my face as I cried. The way he felt on top of me. It was all too much and I broke down. The man I loved hurt me in a way no other man could. The days that followed were exactly the same. I didn't eat, I didn't sleep, and I didnt talk. I sat on my couch or in my bed stuck in this dream I wanted to wake up from. Every time I changed I felt him. I felt dirty and used. I felt scared of myself,of my reflection. I took more showers than I needed to because intried to wash away his touch, I tried to wash away the way he felt pressed against me. I tried to wash away the way he kissed me and hugged right after he raped me. I tried to decontaminate my skin but it wasn't working. Wherever I went I seen him. At night, I'd wake up covered in sweat and tears because that night replayed in my head. I couldn't tell you how many nights I spent crying in the bathroom floor. Suicide racked my brain daily. I didn't want to breathe, I didn't want to see, I didn't want to feel. But I did, and felt it all so deeply. All at once.
When people talk about tragedy everyone always say "tragedy is beautiful."
It's not. There's nothing beautiful about s young girl getting her innocence taking from her. There's nothing beautiful about a 14 year old girl thinking about suicide. There's nothing beautiful about all the things that came along with my tragedy. I can't go places without having a panic attack, I can't be around too many people without freaking out. I can't talk to people because thanks to my tragedy I now suffer from severe anxiety and depression. Meaning, my entire life has been planned out for me. I will never be "normal" me again. I don't laugh the same or smile the same. I don't love the same or feel the same. It's been almost 5 years since Wes attacked me and it still haunts me to this day. I have an amazing guy in my life now who i am more than in love with but, I will never love him the way he loves me thanks to Wes. I will never hold him the way he holds me, thanks to Wes. I know he would never hit me or do anything to hurt me but yet sometimes I still flinch when he goes to grab me or kiss me. I still get nervous when we're laying and bed and he's staring at me, thanks to Wes. You see tragedy isn't beautiful in any way shape or form. It's horrible. It's harmful and it controls your life. Tragedy isn't something you can call beautiful to make it seem less tragic because that's what it is. Anything that happens to a person that completely alters there life is tragic. It will never be beautiful and you will never be free.
I wish I had realized earlier on I wasn't alone. That I didn't have to fight this fight alone. I could of told my family and my friends and they would of stood by me. I should of let people know what was going on inside of my head. I should of let people in. I should of let them be part of it. I shouldn't have hide it and I shouldn't have been ashamed. It happened but that's who I was. Not who I am. I'm not what he did to me. I'm not what society thinks k should be as a rape victim. I fought long and hard to be happy. I fought long and hard to overcome this and I did. I didn't think I had the strength to but I did. I overcame it. It will always be part of my life and it will always effect me as a person but I don't have to let it control me. I'll never be completely free from this but I can start planning my escape.
