Man Overboard

32. I'm Just a Waste of Your Time Maybe I'm Better off Dead

                 

A/N: I edited this at one in the morning so please feel free to point out any errors. Also: suicide/self-harm trigger warning.

"Do you have to go?" I asked, already knowing the answer. It wasn't that I didn't want Tom to go; this was huge for blink. I just didn't want to be left here alone without him.

            "You know I do," Tom replied. He pushed my hair back behind my ear as if to soften his answer.

            "Can't I come with you?" I looked up at Tom hopefully even though it was too late for him to say yes. They were leaving for the tour today and we were saying our goodbyes. But it was my last chance to change his mind.

            "I would love for you to come," Tom started, "but you have classes." I sighed, regretting my decision to go to community college. "And work," he added, as if he knew what I was thinking.

            "You'll be gone a whole month," I frowned, even though both of us were well aware of that fact.

            "It's not that long," Tom comforted. "We'll be back in San Diego in a little over a week."

            "I'm going to miss you." I wrapped my arms around Tom and pressed my face against his chest, closing my eyes as if to shut myself out from the rest of the world. I tried to convince myself that maybe this wouldn't be as bad as I thought, but Tom's warm embrace just reminded me that I wouldn't be able to hug him like this again until late November.

            "I'll miss you too, petal," Tom murmured, rubbing my back.

            I sighed, knowing he had to get going. "You better call me," I warned, trying to put on a smile for him as I pulled back to look at him.

            "I will," Tom promised, giving a weak smile of his own. He kissed me softly, and I savored it, knowing it would be the last for awhile. "I love you."

            "I love you too," I whispered back, trying not to let my voice crack. I had never fought so hard to hold back my tears before. I knew this month was going to be hard without Tom, but I also knew how guilty he would feel if he knew how upset I was. And I didn't want that. It was his first national tour and he deserved to have fun on it.

            Tom picked up his duffel bag from the floor and headed for the bedroom door, leaving me trailing behind him sadly. I plastered on a smile when I saw Mark coming out of his bedroom at the other end of the hallway. Mark worrying about me would be almost as bad as Tom worrying. Mark just gave me a concerned look, clearly not buying my act. But he didn't say anything as the three of us started to load the guys' bags and equipment into the van they had saved up for.

            "Man, the Falcon is in for one hell of a ride," Mark said, slapping the back door of the Chevy after he closed it. The nickname brought a real smile to my face just like the first time Mark had christened it. Leave it to the two Star Wars fanatics to name their tour van "The Millennium Falcon".

            "I can't believe we really have our own van," Tom shook his head in amazement.

            "Yeah..." Mark agreed. He stared at the vehicle raptly before finally emerging from his complete awe. "We should probably pick up the guys." I never thought I would be jealous of two guys nicknamed Cuban Missile Crisis and Vegan, the road crew for blink-182's first tour.

            Tom looked at me sorrowfully at Mark's suggestion. But Mark approached me first, probably realizing Tom wasn't ready to say goodbye yet.