Pulse

Chapter 3- What Happened to Not Crying

Chapter Three

The breakdown only lasts three minutes, but it is enough to etch worried expressions in my family's faces for the rest of the day. It was just some damn tears and a panic attack people. They should've seen me in that rehab center, now that would have been a sight for their sore eyes.

I collect myself and bring my belongings to my room, that almost feels like it doesn't even belong to me anymore.

I head back downstairs and into the kitchen where my mother is waiting with a sad smile that I know I will quickly learn to resent. I want to be me again. I know that these past months have changed me greatly, and that she will not understand.

But this horrible tension in the room had to stop. The sad looks and the awkward silence, it was almost worse than the pre-Jump days.

My dad is nowhere to be found, and I can only assume that his typical work excuse was the same card he pulled to get out of this little joyful reunion we were all having here. I can't blame him, not only was this get together uncomfortable and forced, but I knew my dad and if he didn't come, it is because he simply isn't ready to see me again.

And I'm not sure I'm quite ready myself. My father and I had always shared everything with one another. And I think he never really could wrap his mind around the idea that he had missed this crucial detail of my life. He undoubtedly feels like he is at fault.

I know better than to push him and decide to focus on the big picture.

The night goes by the same as it started, and painfully reminds me of how things used to be. My mom tries to cook a meal that is too advanced for her, she inevitably fucks it up, my sister and I force it down our throats with fake smiles, and at the end mother seems pleased with herself.

Small talk and empty apologies follow dinner. My sister, Alexa, can't even make eye contact with me, but she tries to lighten the mood, before I pretend to not notice a tear slip down her cheek.

I see my mother shoot her a scolding look and Alexa smiles at me, "I'm sorry, can you guys excuse me? The food was exquisite but I have a history exam tomorrow." And she pauses, clearly thinking about her next words, "and I'm glad to have you home Oxy. We all missed you despite our failure to visit."

The last few words seemed directed bitterly at our mother who nods curtly, indicating for her to go finish studying, and doesn't acknowledge the last part of her statement. Typical for her to avoid the confrontation and pretend that everything is perfect.

Soon after I bring the dishes to the sink, and her my mother approach me slowly.

"Oxana, I hope we can talk more tomorrow. I know it has been a long day, and I just want you to get some rest tonight. Tomorrow we will get you some new clothes for your new," she hesitates, "style."

She means my wardrobe that totally lacks color in any form. But then she goes in for a hug, and I lean back instinctively. Her facial features fall, but I can't apologize for it. Did she expect to just say sorry and then hold hands with me and sing Kumbaya around the campfire?

That would not be happening.

"See you tomorrow, mother."

As I'm out of her sight I sprint up the steps and throw myself on my bed, and open my lovely  laptop. Oh how I've missed her and Spotify as well.

I only get the chance to listen to a few new songs before sleep takes over and takes me to places far away from here. Anyplace but here.

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