Pulse

Chapter 10- Fucking Bzzzzz

Chapter Ten:

Dorian's words weigh heavily on me, but more so is that fact the he shut down. His story is still unheard, yet I passed so much judgement on him. Everyone did and still does. Dorian seems to have multiple problems that he isn't dealing with, and never will if he doesn't learn to open up sometime. And on that note my thoughts start shifting back to my own unresolved issues.

 I have a mom who I'm still in the process of forgiving.

Every time she takes a step towards me, its as if I take two backwards, when all I really want to do is move on.

She seems to really believe that she did what was best, and maybe it isn't her fault. She was raised the same way. With secrets, whispering and closed doors. To me, the thing that hurts the most is simply that I'm an embarrassment to her.

I embarrass her with my petty problems that I just can't seem to get over.

My train of thought is wrecked when Dorian takes over again.

I was always told not to judge a book based on it's cover, but that's impossible, how could you ever choose a book with no cover? There'd be no picture depicting the story and a it's meaning. There'd be no attraction.

I compare Dorian to a book, desperately trying to regain control of me thoughts. The more I get to know him, the more I understand. And the deeper I look, the more meaning there is to find. He isn't an open book, most of us aren't, but he is there. His cover is just hiding what is on the inside. He has this wall built so high up that it's nearly too late too tear it down safely.

My shrink really did rub off on me. 

I never thought I'd admit how similar Dorian and I are: we both have these walls built, and as I watch him push everyone away, I allow myself do the same. 

*

Hours after mine and Dorian's tampon I'm back in reality, at home, and anxiously awaiting Lennox. I have this strange urge to share everything with her, and I can feel any remaining bitterness fade away the second she walks sheepishly into my room.

I know she isn't a sheepish person, but I think being in my room for one of our meetups like the good ole' days puts her on edge more so than me.

"And now," she cracks the ice, pulling a bag of salt and vinegar chips out of her bag, setting them alongside the chocolate and Dr. Pepper I had on my bed, "we can resume this meeting."

While I tell her everything, from the very beginning, I realize just how insane it sounds. She had no idea it was Dorian who had saved me from the water. Which raised the question, why not?

Lennox reads the question in my eyes, "I can only guess he wished to remain anonymous. He did answer questions for the local newspaper, but his name was never revealed. I'm sure that was his request, otherwise the reporter would have surely written that in the article."

The thought, once again, leads me to think about all the false assumptions I made about him.

With the next part being the rehabilitation center, and how I felt there, Lennox almost starts crying, but the mood switches again as I tell her about my little stunt with Dorian at the cliff soon after my return home.

I also share how Landon is trying to worm his way back into my life, and I can tell my the tone in her voice that she favors Dorian over Landon. Even though I make it clear Dorian and I aren't anything more than friends.

"Landon is the worst, Oxy. I know you never saw it before, but I'm begging you to see it now. He's become even more of a dick, and whatever he has planned with you, it can't be good."