Pulse

Chapter 5- Is That His Name?

Chapter Five: 

When I awake the next morning I lay there watching the ceiling fan. Watching it spin around and around. It almost makes a solid circle it spins so fast. It feels like my head, trying to think about how I'm going to get my shit together.

I'm not sure how long I lay there, lost in my thoughts, but I hear footsteps approaching my door, and I dread the interruption that will inevitably drag me back into this shit show of a reality. 

This interruption knocks on my door, and just like that I'm pulled out of my trance. 

I sit up, realizing it's Tuesday. An overwhelming feeling temporarily washes over me. What should I wear? Which outfit screams "I'm back and slightly less suicidal" but at the same time not "I'm trying too hard to show you all I am so happy now". I know I will attract everyone's attention for at least my first week back.

So I might as well look good doing it.

A familiar voice shakes me from my thoughts, "Hello, Oxana?" 

The voice makes me recoil. And then I start to panic. It couldn't be, he would not just stroll in here as if he was welcome. He's an egotistic asshole, true, but not that much of a moron.

"Are you in there Oxy?" The voice pleads again. 

I think to myself, 'Not the Oxy you used to know', but respond with, "No, shut the hell up."

I have no time to waste on him, especially not in some emotional bullshit.

I hear him laugh. Apparently he needs a real hint. 

"O, it's Landon." A deep voice shakes me to my core once again. "Please let me in."

He really just called me O? How delusional could one person be. How am I the one who just a mere 4 months ago literally walked off a cliff, without even batting an eye about it, and yet be the most sane person around. It really is incredible.

Landon was my best friend for years. He was perfect, all the way from his hazel eyes, to his light brown hair, and matching olive skin. And how his words isolated you, affected you in every way.

How he could make someone feel so incredible and perfect without even trying.

We had so many memories. We used to go on walks in the rain, discuss subjects I hadn't even thought to mention in my extensive time in therapy. He'd make me laugh when I felt like locking myself in a bathroom and disappearing. And we could always be ourselves. That is until I developed deeper feelings for him. 

He didn't like me back. 

We abandoned our delicate friendship like it had never happened. And parted ways about three months before The Jump. Little did he know, I was long gone before that.

And it occurs to me, that's why he's here. All these poor guilty souls who roam this earth with the sole purpose of fulfilling that gaping, empty hole in their chest.

But at that time, he was my last hope. My lifeline. He held on to me in the darkest times, he was my way out of the labyrinth. But when I neared the end of that maze, the light grew stronger and stronger, and then it went out, leaving me alone, stuck in this indescribable darkness. 

The worst thing is, he lead me on. He gave me hope, then banished all of it before it became a reality. 

I don't, nor will I ever believe in love, because of him. Do I sound dramatic? Yes. But at that point of my life, it was crushing what he did to me. And it changed a lot of my views on life. And love, too, I guess.