chasing zayn || ziall || discontinued

chasing zayn || 15 || zayn

I liked seeing Niall in my clothes, out in public nonetheless. Something about knowing he was mine was endearing, something about people seeing him in my clothes, even though they didn't know who he was, or the fact that he was wearing my clothes. It was a sneak peek of the future almost. Maybe. I've been thinking about something for a while. Coming out. I was able to now that I was more in control of my own public reputation. I wanted to come out with Niall. But I couldn't make him come out, but I also know that under contract, he probably wouldn't be allowed to come out. But right now I was out in public (but not public), holding hands with someone I'd probably give my all too if it came down to it. Not just because we're in something like a relationship, but because he's also my best friend. I wanted to do something special for him, something that would at signify to some extent what he meant to me.

I think it was about time for our first date.

I just needed to find the right time to ask him.

We strolled in the market, him mindlessly dragging me along by my hand and me following without resistance. It was nice to see him being so carefree, and it nice to be it too, before we were always told to avoid doing anything that would cause controversy, or any kind of rumour. He only let go to grab a buggy.

We'd made it this far without being noticed or recognised, so we continued as we were.

"So what're we here to get?" He said , slouched over the cart, slowly pushing it as he browsed the isle and its contents.

"Whatever you want." I said, emphasising that I would be fine with whatever he picked. From that point on I just watched as he swiped different things from the shelves and put them in the cart. I admit that I watched in admiration as he looked over the items with a Serious expression, as if he were making the world's most important decision. Unbeknownst to me he turned around to me, holding two items up, seemingly about to ask me 'which' but stopped when he saw the writ dazed and spaced look that had to be clearly written on my face.

"What?" He said to me, his eyebrows raising I'm concern.

"What?" I said, phasing back into reality.

"You were staring."

"Sorry. Was looking at something amazing." I smiled slickly.

He seemed confused at first, but a few seconds passed before his cheeks became tinted in red, smiling sheepishly. He waved the items around trying to ween my attention away from him.

"Choose."

"That one." I said randomly choosing the one of the items, the one on the left. He put it in the buggy and continued pushing it. When his attention was away from me, I sneakily leaned over his pecked his cheek. Giving him a coy grin when he looked at me. He continued pushing the cart and placed a hand over his pushing the cart with him. I don't know why but I just wanted to be near him in some form or another. Maybe it just myself subconsciously teasing myself with what I could have in the future- maybe- or with what I didn't have at the moment and that would be the ability treat him and be near him this way without the disguises and whatnot. I wanted people to know that he's mine. Not in some kind of dominating kind of way, but in the sense of being able to do all that's done in secrecy, in public. But of course you can't make someone come out. But if secrecy meant that I could be with him and continue falling into this 'couple' dynamic that we have, then that was more than enough for me.

I guess Niall had swiped enough things, cause we were headed for checkout. It was either that or the fact that the buggy was filled, threatening to spill with a sharp turn or the smallest bump in the pavement. The cashier cringed when she saw the cart and I gave her an awry smile. As she continued to scan the item, she'd attempt to slyly send me questioning glances. At first I didn't understand, but soon realisation hit and I tried to maintain my composure. Our disguises were compromised. I was tapping my foot hurriedly putting the bags back into the cart. I probably looked like I wanted to make a run for it, all the while Niall seemed unaware. But I didn't expect for her to give me a soft smile and make a 'zipped lip' type motion. I give her a smile. She holds up a finger.

"Could you sign this?" She asks quietly, while sliding over her phone case and a sharpie that she dug out of her drawer in her work area. I complied without resistance, highly due to the fact that she held my secret in her hands and it was also due to the fact that she was going about it so nicely.

I hand her back her things, and pull Niall along.

"Did she— find out who we were?" Niall asked, alarm clear in his voice.

"Me, yeah. You? I don't think so, she didn't even look your way."

"Look at you, being all famous on your own— and stuff." He teased, bumping my shoulder. "So much for normal, eh?"

"I've got control over myself, my music, my life. That's my kind of normal, I guess." I bump him back, "I could come out if I wanted to." I say throwing the topic up in the air, testing for his reaction.

I hadn't noticed that he'd fallen behind, I stopped and turned around to look at him. He was looking at me, with an indeterminable expression.

"What?" I asked.

"Are you sure you want to do that? What about what people are gonna say?"

"That's just it, I don't give a fuçk what they say anymore, I've survived worse." I say, swallowing, "like leaving you behind." I mumble.

"Then why did you?"

"We've been over this already. I left because I wanted to be able to be myself. Me. I didn't want to have to comply and be what someone else expected me to be. I can do that now, I can make music for me, I can be with who makes me smile. I can be with who makes all that what I've gone through to get to this point in my life seem like nothing. I can go on a date with who makes me happy. You."

He was silent for a moment.

"Did you just ask me out?"

"Yes. Yes I did."

—

AN: it's been a month, I'm a horrible person.