chasing zayn || ziall || discontinued

chasing zayn || 22

AN: *Slight Smut*

When we were on our way back home, I'd intended to try and be careful on what it was that I'd said around Zayn. I know that he'd appeared to be calm, collected and content on what's happened. I just made sure that I let him know that I was there for him- all the while scrolling through twitter watching as his everything unfolded- and everything did unfold.

It was trending and I felt so bad. There was already a division people tweeting support, and of course the regular trolls who were tweeting disgusting things, which I don't think I'd ever be able to understand- never understand why people take time out of their day and go out of their way just to type something mean to/about someone, when it takes less time to Lee your mouth closed or your thoughts to yourself. Being in this business- the business of fame that is- we've grown armour to this kind of thing but there's always an Achilles heel to this kind of thing. Things that were personal was that thing. Criticism- we got over that, Comments on our appearance- was some of the harder things to get over due to it being a jab at our self esteem but we bounced back over time, comments about our personal lifestyles, decisions, and things like family and who we date (when it wasn't staged of course) were things that we actually took time to recover from, cause you know- it's personal, we take those things to heart because they're choices that we chose to make, choices that we were confident enough to make and having them criticised and negated kinda hits us in a way that's not as easy to bounce back from.

And I know that it's gonna hit Zayn even though he's trying to dodge it right now. I know that he's trying to act like he's fine with it, but eventually he won't be able to dodge it any longer, he'll get hit, looking at this circulating picture of him clearly intimately embracing someone of the male kind- me, out in the open, from the night of his release party, in the 'privacy' of his own property. He'll spiral into a free fall, and I'll make sure that I'm there- whether he wants me to be or not- whether I'm allowed to be or not.

I found myself looking at Zayn, studying his side profile as if I were expecting to see through to his thoughts as I wish I could so I could no exactly what he was feeling in this moment. Cause it seemed to be pretty clear that he wasn't going to blatantly tell me what it was that he was feeling. My eyes turned back to my phone, scanning over the image, had I turned my head just a little bit more, it'd be pretty clear it was me- and I was trying to imagine that scenario, trying to imagine how I'd be feeling had that situation played out, hoping that I could imagine what it was he was feeling and maybe I could say something of value to him. But the best thing that I could offer him in this moment was silence and every so often I'd hold his hand whenever it say motionless and without objective in the mid of the car. It made me somewhat happy to see that he wasn't blaming me for all that's happened even though inside I kind of was doing just that.

Maybe I could've been the cautious one where he wasn't.

But we were both slacking in that moment, enjoying each other as we did- not to mention the great things that that had lead to.

Thoughts like that were why I felt guilty- because parts of it, I don't regret.

Do I regret getting allowing this to happen?

Yes- and I kind of wish that I was exposed along with him just cause I hate that he's feeling all of this alone- cause that's what Zayn did, he tries not to let his personal problems hinder anyone else- he's the type to try and endure it alone rather than let anyone else be affected and I'm not going to allow him to do it this time. Cause this- this isn't something anyone should go through alone. I looked over to him, studying him again, the same emotionless look controlled his face. I noticed his hand was free and rested on the midsection between us, so I reached my own hand out, cautiously slipping mine into his own.