I Think I Always Will

My best friend, oh goodness.

Our friendship started through a Facebook post. Me being newly introduced to the social network and not completely sure what was "acceptable", I posted lyrics to a song I very much enjoyed. Vibrant Scene by Jon and Roy. He commented immediately, shocked that I knew them. We began talking quite a bit, mainly about music. We had Spanish class together that semester and while we were all the way across the room from eachother, we made funny faces at eachother and argued with the class when they claimed Justin Bieber was "good music". 

Being a goody-two-shoes freshman in high school, I obeyed the rule that freshmen were not allowed to leave campus. Him being a sophomore, he could easily leave school during breaks. It was the third to last day of school that he asked if I would like to go on a walk with him and another friend. Without thought, I packed up my homework that I was working on and left my friends sitting there, gaping. As I walked next to him through the rows of lunch tables, I felt prouder than ever to be doing something I wasn't supposed to. 

We went through the back doors and entered the fresh air and bright sunlight. We walked along a trail a little ways from the school. He brought up Jon and Roy and we spoke of them for while. By the time we came back into the school, the bell was just about to ring. We started walking to class together. I laughed at his crazy stories of things that happened at the last place he worked. We walked into class together and I couldn't hide my smile. He was just too funny.

When summer came, I was sent to stay at my father's home in Minnesota because I don't see him very much. I was not excited to be there. I don't have the best relationship with my dad and there's never anything for me to do there. But I agreed to go only for the reason that I have two younger half-brothers who adore me. I couldn't break their hearts by telling them I wasn't coming.

My best friend stayed in Michigan with his father as well. We didn't speak very much, just sent songs to eachother on Spotify. Then we started texting more often. We had the funniest conversations, I still laugh when I think of them. One day I was sitting in the front seat of my stepmom's car, headed to some family event, when he texted me. He told me I was pretty. 

I had never thought of him relationship-worthy, I just considered him a good friend at this point in time. But nonetheless, I smiled when I recieved that text. When was the last time someone complimented my appearance?

I waited a few minutes then replied telling him thank you. He sent a smiley face.

A week went by and he would send the occasional smiley face. I'd do the same. I guess I was beginning to have the tiniest of feelings for him though I wouldn't admit it. Everytime I admit that I fancy someone, everything goes downhill from there. It's simply the way it is for me. It is set in stone.

After another week, the feelings grew a bit stronger. I mentioned my possible feelings to one of my female friends as I'm the type of person who is horrible at keeping things in. And just knew that my streak of bad luck was about to begin.

And it did. A couple days later, I found his personal blog. He spoke of a girl. Then one day he brought up the girl and possible feelings for her. And gone went my feelings. It didn't bother me too much. I had never truly admitted liking him.

For the remainder of the summer, this was the pattern; Likes certain girl. Certain girl breaks his heart. Flirts with me. 

The cycle repeated itself. It was summer though and my mindset was 'screw it, I'll have some fun."

So I went along with it. When the girl left him for another, I listened to his complaints and gave him advice. Every time I told him to give her up. That she was no good. And he listened. He agreed that he should no longer be involved. But low and behold just a few days after agreement, he would fall right back in her trap. With as close as we were becoming, it hurt to see him get hurt. But it also angered me that one-he ignored my words; and two, she kept doing this to him.

Well, summer eventually came to an end and we both headed back to Colorado. We went on a photo shoot once with another friend. We were pretty shy after what we said to eachother over the summer. We were bored, horny, and lonely teenagers. You couldn't blame us. But there's a reason why our words took place over text.

 School came along and that's when our frienship became a lot stronger. And eventually he became my best friend.

A little while into school, I began talking to one of his best friends. We had known each other and spoken small phrases here and there but never actually got to know eachother. As time went by, we quickly discovered we had so much in common, it was incredible. I loved speaking with him, he understood everything I said. The time of homecoming came along and I didn't think he'd ask me. Lucky things like that just don't happen to unlucky girls like me. But he did.

He took me up to my favorite place to hike. It's an abandoned road that has incredible views of the Rocky Mountains. When we came around a certain bend, he told me to close my eyes and took my hand. He led me a little ways and then said I could open my eyes, still holding my hand as he did. On the ground in front of me, he had written in chalk exactly what I wanted him to ask. We were going to homecoming together. I squealed like a white girl and gave him a big hug. It was the sweetest thing anyone had ever done for me.

Homecoming came and we had a great time. We danced with a large group, including my best friend. He held my hand that night and I was so happy.

A week later we went to his house to watch Sherlock, as we are equally obsessed with BBC. Afterwards, it was getting dark but we still had time to spend together. We decided to go stargazing. We grabbed some blankets and headed to the top of a large hill and observed the harvest moon and many stars. At one point, he turned to me and kissed me. I was over the moon. My heart could not stop beating and I could not stop smiling. A week later, we were official.

The last day of school before fall break was a half day. All three of us decided to spend the day together. We went to my boyfriend's house and watched cheesy movies and Doctor Who. When we were trying to decide what to watch next, my best friend made a comment, trying to tease me. I frowned, trying not to laugh along, and crossed my arms, acting mad. He nudged me and told me he was kidding.

"I'm just kidding silly, you know I love you," he said as he tickled me a bit, knowing how ticklish I was. I laughed and kicked him slightly, shaking my head.

It's these little things. These little things he does.

When he falls for that certain girl again, it's weird. I can't help but feel a tight pain in my chest. Jealousy. It doesn't make sense. I have a boyfriend. His best friend.

But when I see him, I smile widely. He's always there for me. He's always listening. He's the goofiest person you'll ever meet. But he knows exactly how to cheer me up when I'm down. Whenever I'm with him, I have the instinct to hug him. I don't though. Because we each have someone else on our mind.

But there is part of me that believes I'm not the only one in this friendship who thinks other things. It doesn't mean I'll leave the relationship I have now for him. I'm perfectly content with my boyfriend.

But I had feelings for him over the summer. And now with that thought in mind...

I think I always will.