I Think I Always Will

What Now

Well. I'm laying here, typing this, crying pathetically.

My mother reads all my texts and Facebook messages. She read my messages to Josh and now is convinced he's a horrible person. According to her, he's a "punk ass druggie and bigot."

I tried to tell her no. That's not who he is at all.

He's kind. He's sweet. He's hilarious. He's caring. He's a pastor's kid. His sister just got out of rehab from meth. He's completely against drugs as he's seen the things they do. He jokes about drugs to prevent himself from coming in contact with the reality of things.

My mother threatened to send me to my father's because she suspects I may do drugs. I hate my dad. She knows how much I hate him. He's the cause for my anxiety disorder and OCD.

Before this afternoon Josh and I left each other on good terms. We fought over a pencil in chemistry and he accidentally stabbed my hand with it. He felt horrible because I started bleeding. He asked if he could see my hand and he took it carefully, inspecting the damage. He rubbed his thumb softly over the tiny wound and looked up at me with sad eyes. He held my hand for a little while longer. When we were preparing to leave class, he came and stood behind me with his head on my shoulder. I didn't make him move, I loved his company. I love the way he smells and how warm he is.

I thought everything was going good. Now after my mother's words, I feel like the shittiest person on this planet. Josh won't reply either and I feel absolutely pathetic and horrible. I honestly hate myself. My makeup is smeared and my mother won't speak to me. She's given up.

Hopefully tomorrow it will get Josh's letter. We decided a little bit ago to be each other's pen pals.

I hope tomorrow will be better. Though between my sobbing and not my mother's silence and Josh not replying, it's very unlikely.

Good bye.