Cry Me a River (On Hold)

Diary Entry-3/11/11

Dear diary,

Hello, good friend. Where do I start? Today, normal. If not a little stressing. My mom is the same. This morning I dropped a bowl of frosted flakes (which are my favorite, you know) and she grabbed my upper arm and threw me onto the floor to wipe it up. I was going to wipe it up anyways. Cleaning up the spilt flakes and milk made me late for first period, which got me a detention from Mrs. Mallz. Thanks, mom. Also, Asher asked what happened to my arm. Apparently he noticed the finger-shaped bruises turning blue right above my elbow. I had to lie to him, because I didn't want him to worry. I told him the Jesslyn had to grab my arm to keep me from falling down because I "tripped" on the school steps this morning. I hate lying to him, I hate lying to everyone. But I don't have to lie to you, dear friend.

Asher told me he loved me again. I know almost all of my entries day this exact thing, but it just feels so good to know that someone loves you more than anything. When I'm with him, I feel complete, safe, loved. I am all of those things though, when I'm with him.

Have I ever told you why Mom wont let us be together? No, I don't think I have. In 8th grade she made me tell people that I broke up with him. I had to tell her that, too. She said he was too good. Does that make since? Too good. She said all the good ones would end up leaving me. That they are not to be trusted because they act perfect. She said it's an act. That is what happened with Izzy's dad. He was good at first, too good. Then he left. So now she thinks the same thing is going to happen to me. But I know Asher, and I know that he is not going to do that to me. He loves me, he loves me so much, diary. He won't leave me. She thinks he will though, and so she forbid me to see him. Harsh, huh? Well, I'm going to keep seeing him whether she likes it or not. And then, when I'm 18, we'll go to College together, and live our lives together. I'll get away from her, from this. Asher and I will be happy together. I just know it. And then, when we are away, She won’t be able to hurt me anymore. I’ll be out of the reach of her words, her hand, her abuse.

I'm scared, diary. Scared that my mom will go too far one day, scared that I'll wake up one day and Asher and I won't even be able to be together secretly, scared that I will be taken away from my home. Isn't that weird? I'm scared of my mom, and scared of leaving her. It's messed up. All of it.

I'm also scared for Izzy. So far, mom hasn't laid a hand on her. But she's almost 10, and that's when mom first started hitting me. I'll protect her. I promise you, I promise her, I promise my self that I will protect her. She's so innocent, Izzy is, and I'm going to keep her that way. I'm going to save her. No one, not even mom, will ever hurt her. I'm worried about Izzy, though. She needs a father. Her dad left us when she was only 3, and we haven’t heard a word from him since. Look at me, I'm shaking in my skin. My writing's becoming all sloppy, I can barely read it.

I miss MY dad. Oh, so much. It's been too long since he left us, left this world. Twelve years next month, on my 17th birthday. But you know that, my dearest companion. It's getting harder and harder to remember him. The times we spent together are almost gone. Lost forever in my mind. But the little things--his voice, smell, the way his face felt after a day without shaving--are locked into my memory. Oh my, if I continue on, my tears are going to stain the paper and smudge my words. I'm going to have to say goodbye now, dearest friend.

I shut my little purple diary and stuck it in it's personal hiding spot--my pillow case. My diary is like my best friend. The person I can tell everything too. Don't get me wrong, I can tell jess almost anything. Almost. I can't tell her about my mom.

I jumped onto my bed, my face falling gently onto my fluffy, green body-sized pillow. I was just laying there like that for a few moments, when Izzy came in.

"Leigh?" She asked as she sat down on my bed next to me, her long blonde hair nearly touching the sheets. For the past few year she's been asking about her dad more and more. It worry's me, I'm afraid she'll try to talk to mom about it. That's what happened to me. I tried to talk to Mom about Dad, but Mom didn't want to. That was the first time she...hit me.

"Yeah, Iz?" I sat up and leaned against the wall that my bed was resting against, patting the spot beside me for Iz to take. She noticed me motioning her to come sit next to me, so she crawled back to me and laid her head against my shoulder.

"Can you tell me again? What my dad was like?" Every so often she ask's me to tell her about her dad. He was an awesome dad right after he married my mom (When I was six), and a few years after that. He would treat me just like his own daughter. And when I was seven and they had Izzy, he would treat her like a princess.. That's what I always tell her. The good things about him. The first Three years. During that time we were a big, happy family. But when Izzy turned two, he changed. He started drinking and staying out all night. We hardly ever saw him during that last year, and it was--for me--a relief when he left. But it broke mom. That's when she started hitting me. I should have known better, though, then to ask about my Dad right after Izzy's had left. It was my mistake.

I smiled down at her. Her blue eyes staring hopefully back at mine. "Sure kiddo. When he and Mom got married, he got me anything I wanted. He would take me to all the Yankee games I wanted! One game," I smiled at the memory, "we were sitting behind this giraffe of a man who also had really bad B.O. He saw that I wasn't having a good time because of this, and told me that he would be right back."

"Where did he go?" She inquired.

"It turns out that he went to the convenient store just down the street from Yankee Stadium. Do you wanna know what he bought?" She bobbed her head up and down excitedly. "He bought three booster seats, a bag of baby wipes, and a bottle of cologne."

"Why did he get all that stuff?" I couldn’t help but laugh at her confused expression, then continued on with my story.

"Well, he got the Booster seats to stack on top of each other so I could sit on and see. it worked, but I fell of the wobbly seat about ten times that day!"

Izzy started cracking up at the image of little me sliding off of the stack of booster seats. "What--about the--other stuff?" She asked in between the deeply needed breaths after her laughing fit.

"He gave the baby wipes and the cologne to the giraffe man. He told him to clean himself up or get lost." Izzy went into another laughing fit and I knew that she wouldn't be able to say anything for a while. "So, when the guy refused to use the stuff. Craig took a few baby wipes, and started wiping them all over the man's face and arms! The guy just sat there with his mouth hanging wide open! When Craig was done with that, he sprayed the man all over with the cologne. I was laughing so hard, that I fell off the seats again!"

Izzy was wiping of her eyes, moist from laughing so hard. "Thanks for telling me that story, Leigh." She stated when she was done clearing off her eyes.

"No problem. Now you need to get to bed, it's late!" I gave her quick kiss on the forehead and then pushed her towards the door.

She paused in the door frame and glanced back at me, "Love you Leigh."

"Love you too, Iz."

After Izzy left I got off my bed and walked over to my dresser to change into my pajamas. I quickly stripped off my dark wash skinny jeans and flowy purple shirt and replaced them with white pajama shorts and a purple tank top. I crawled into bed and just layed there for a while thinking. I don't even think Izzy knows why her dad left, and how he was the last year he was with us. This worries me more than anything. I'm sure that, if she ever asks Mom something about him, it would be why he left. I'm afraid that that would push Mom over the edge.

Tomorrow, after school I’m going to go see dad. I promise myself that, and I never break a promise. I drifted off into a deep, dream filled sleep thinking about my visit to my dad's grave sight.

Note-So what did you guys think? Duh, Duh, Duhhhh!!!!!!!!!! Some secrets were revealed about her past life! Yay!(: So, every few Chapters there is going to be a Diary Entry from Leigh, so I hope you guys like it(: Oh, and Jesslyn is pronounced like, well, Jess and Lynn put together! And also, Jesslyn is Leigh's best friend, if you couldn't tell(: So Thanks for reading!! ~CrazyInLove777~