When You Left... (Prequel)

Ch.7 - I'm Sorry

N A T E S P O V (Next Day)

(Trigger Warning)

My mother walks into the room holding a plate of what looks like toast, she smiles at me placing it on my bed. "Feeling better?" She asks, the only reason she keeps asking is because I keep saying I feel ill so I don't have to go to school. So far its working but I don't know if I can keep it up much longer, "I'm not hungry" I reply. She sighs "I know but you need to eat, you haven't had a full meal in weeks. I'm worried"

I know, my appetite has gone completely. I have had a lot to drink though, I would die if I didn't. Not that I don't want that to happen, it's just somewhere inside of me I still have hope that someone cares. Plus I don't really want my cause of death to be dehydration, "Have at least 3 bites if you can't have any more I won't force you"

This time I sigh with a nod, she smiles again ruffling my hair. "I have to go out for a bit call me if anything" She says and I nod again, she walks out the room but not before placing a kiss to my forehead. I look over at the food she has left, three bites. I am really not hungry, then again I don't really want it to go mouldy in my room. Decides maybe the fact I don't have much of an appetite anymore is good, it means I can work on being skinny. It could be the start of finally fitting in, maybe just maybe.

I look up hearing someone walk into my room, it's not dad because he went off somewhere earlier on. So I am all alone, he is almost never with me for more than 5 minutes. He must really hate me, or in his words 'Gotta keep proactive'. So basically stay away as much as I possibly can from my son, just like Luke. I guess that's why they say like father like son, aye?

"Hi stranger" I mumble laying down on my bed, he chuckles sitting down on the edge of the bed. "Still convinced them you're sick?" He asks and I nod, "Wow man you really are a good actor" he says. I know, funny how people don't see the real me. I guess that's a good thing, they wouldn't want to see who I really am. A sad, lonely, ugly, fat, useless- I'm going to stop before I make myself even more upset.

"Are you going back home later?" I ask, he thinks for a moment before shaking his head. I look at him in confusion, we have school tomorrow- oh wait correction. He has school tomorrow, I don't want to set foot in that building ever again. "You're not leaving me alone for another week, you're coming in even if I have to drag you out that door" He says, I roll my eyes.

"Well, have fun trying to do that because I am not leaving"

***

The door the slams shut as I walk into my bed room, I can feel the tears of anger and sadness in my eyes. Biting my lip I throw my school jacket on the floor, my breathing is the only thing I can hear. I look around my room, pushing around the stuff on my drawers. My mind only focused on one thing, when I find it I run into the bathroom. Locking the door I slide down it, my heart is pounding against my shirt. My head is starting to spin, I don't want to feel like this. Why do I feel like this? I let out a sob of anger as my hand won't stop shaking, I'm so fcking useless. I can't do something as simple as this, the tears escape my eyes making it harder to see what I'm doing. But I don't stop, I don't want to stop. This is the only way I can control myself, the only way I could feel 'okay' and not like I am about to die any second. Not like I want to die in this moment and every other moments in time, not like everyone was taking the piss out of me today. To feel almost just a bit more, alive.

My shaky hands brings the blade to my skin, I gasp a little at the pain. But it's okay, I deserve it. I need it. The shaking of my hands make the blade go deeper, with a small whimper I pull the blade away from my skin after a few. One for each lie I have told, for each time I believed them and still do, for each time they prove that it is true.

The tears are still here but I can see a little clearer now, I'm starting to gain control of my breathing and the pain I feel inside. The blade is bloody, I can feel the blood dripping from my hips. It stings, but it's fine. Because I deserve it. With the little energy I have left I stand up washing the blade then have a shower, once I was done I find myself staring at the mirror. Still ugly, still disgusting, still horrendous, I guess nothing changed overnight.

I walk back into my room after unlocking the door, quickly I get changed and put my blade back into its hiding place. "Nate!" I jump turning on the heels of my feet, it's only Drew. I simply look at him before turning away and walking over to my bed. "Nate, are you okay? Look I'm sorry"

I blank him staring at the wall, something I seem to be doing quite a lot now a days. "Nate please, are you okay?"

"No Drew I am not okay, please stop asking! You forced me to school telling me and I quote 'come on Nate it will be fine, everyone's got other stuff to talk about' as soon as I got through those doors everyone's eyes were on me. Me, no one else, not for the good reasons, they were pointing, whispering and laughing at me Drew! To top it all off, I've heard people saying 'Don't get too close him he'll probably start to fall in love with you' do you know how that makes me feel? Having people know such deep and personal things I don't share with anybody, not even you? I'll tell you now it is terrible, worse than terrible"

"Oh yeah and the devil himself, all day Drew all day he has been picking on me. Pushing me into lockers, making jokes about me being 'gay'. They don't even know the full story, they made up the rest of it. Now everyone believes them. Thanks a lot man, I was perfectly fine being alone at here at home. With no one here to call me a fag or princes, no one pushing me into things, no one laughing and pointing at me and no one reading my private things!"

I let out a deep breath once I had finished my rant, I look over at him seeing him looking down at his lap. I sigh closing my eyes holding my head with my hands, great now I've made Drew- my best and only friend upset.

Good going Nate.

"I'm sorry Drew, it's not your fault. I'm just really tired, upset and annoyed. I didn't mean to take it out on you" I say after a while of silence.

"No"

I move my hands away from my face looking at him in confusion, "It's not your fault you shouldn't say sorry. I won't force you to come to school, I'm here to support you and make you happy not make you upset."

I smile a little, the awkward tension is still present though. "Okay I hate this awkward tension, come 'ere" He says with a small laugh before tackling me into a hug.

I laugh, but wince a quietly feeling him apply pressure onto my fresh cuts. I quickly hug him back so he thinks nothing of it, "also my parents are working late so I'm staying over." I laugh again with another nod,

"What about Kacey?" I ask, he shrugs.

"She has someone with her" He mumbles, I nod. He clearly isn't going to be moving anytime soon, he's actually really starting to hurt me. I bite my lip rolling us over so I'm on top of him and not the other way around.

"Comfy?" he asks with a laugh, I laugh along with a nod again. He reaches for the remote and turns the TV on, he changes the channel until we settle for Adventure Time. And that's what we spend the rest of the day watching.