Letters To You

Chapter 11

"Most nights
at 2am
I wonder
Where I'll be in
Five
Ten
Fifteen
Years

Other nights
At 2am
I wonder
If I'll make it that far"

Jho

"Bey..."

"Why weren't you answering my texts and calls?"

I can hear her sigh on the other end. I ran my fingers through my hair, knocking my brain for answers.

"I'm busy with work. May bago kasing intern and I was assigned to be his guide around the department."

"Can't you at least leave a message? I was worried." There was a tinge of irritation in her tone.

"Bakit ka naman nag-alala pa? I'm the least of your concerns. I'm just a friend."

I tried not to sound bitter and I hope I didn't.

The line went silent for a couple of seconds. Maybe she was caught off guard with my bluntness. Frustrations have flooded me and keeping it inside me is already impossible.

"I told you before," she breathes deeply and continues, "no matter what happens I will always care about you. You are special to me, Jho."

I am?

I wasn't able to respond quickly because of the unexpected revelation.

"Please don't ignore me again" she pleaded.

A hurricane of emotions seeped through my system. As much as I wanted to celebrate, there's a part of me that's doubtful since Bea is the type of person who makes you feel extra special, but when you've connected the dots, you'll realize that you're only a friend and maybe I'm not the only one treated like this.

"I'm not ignoring you," I replied icily.

"Why does the silence make me feel like I'm forgotten?"

You never left my mind.

I could hear a faint sniffle. Is she crying? I was consumed by guilt. She doesn't deserve this. Why did I think about hurting her?

"Hey are you crying?" I asked softly.

"I-it's just that..." she finally burst into tears "I feel like I'm losing you, Jho and I can't take that – not right now."

Bea

Flashback

"I-it's just that..." I finally burst into tears. "I feel like I'm losing you, Jho and I can't take that – not right now."

"You're not losing me. I'm sorry for making you feel that way. Calm down now, please?" She attempted to soothe me.

"You don't understand!" I cried out.

"Make me understand then." Her sweet voice wiped all the sadness and anger brewing inside me.

"Can I come over?"

"Will saying no even stop you? I'll see you in a while."

End of flashback

Now I'm laying next to girl I love, her body wrapped comfortably around my arms as she slept soundly. Her rhythmic breathing calms me. I stared blankly at the ceiling contemplating why it's never a good idea to come here. I might have just planned how to break her heart.

"I love you so much. God knows how much I do," I whispered.

She stirred gently when I stroked her hair. I hope we could just stay like this and pretend that everything is okay. I'm savoring every moment with her – good or bad – and no matter how difficult it can be I wish she'd stay even if it got to the point that I had to leave. I hope she would stay optimisitic when that time comes because I've decided to fight. I'm going to will myself to live and I hope by that time nobody has her heart and I'd still be the one.

Flashback

I fished my keys from my bag and quietly made my way down the stairs. My parents would be furious if they'd catch me sneaking out of the house, but I really need to go to Jho's place. I need to tell her something. I hope it would be enough for her to stay and I hope my gut is right about her.

I sloppily parked my car in front of the building. Not the usual me but I'm in a hurry. I rubbed my hands together as I reached her doorstep. Deep breaths, Bei.  Yes this is the first time but get a grip. Pull yourself together.

I rang the doorbell and relentlessly tapping my foot on the floor while waiting for Jho to open the door. After what seemed like forever, she slowly opened the door.

I hung for a moment, mesmerized by the beauty in front of me. God, how can someone be so beautiful without an effort. I missed you. I quickly grabbed her by the waist and embraced her. I inhaled the scent of her hair as I nuzzled into her neck.

"I miss you so much. Don't ignore me like that again," I pleaded.

"I won't go anywhere, Bey," she replied as she was breaking the hug.

I cupped her face, memorizing every detail of her seamless face.

"I want to give you a reason to stay with me..." I dipped my head down and mustered all the courage that I can. "I love you, Jho. I love you so much. Please, stay."

A huge weight was lifted off of me after I confessed. Even though I didn't plan to be this vulnerable in front of someone, when it comes to Jho, I'm more than willing to dive in. I protected myself for so long so that no one could hurt me again, but she suddenly came along and broke down every wall I've built without even trying.

"Bey..." I could see tears welling up at the corner of her eyes.

"Please say you love me too."

Jho, please.

The next thing was a blur. She tiptoed and gently pressed her lips on mine. I was caught off guard that I wasn't able to respond to her kiss. She pinched my arm, signaling me to kiss back.

It was utterly unromantic for me to confess on her front door without anything to offer but myself, yet it still the sweetest memory I have since I'm kissing her in the most perfect moment. It's an incomprehensible feeling when you know that the person you love feels the same.

She pulled away and we were both smiling. No words were spoken as she led me to her bedroom.

"You know I think about you every night. You keep me up," I mumbled while listening to her patterned breathing.

"Hmm. What do you think about?" She innocently asked.

"Secret!"

She propped herself up and looked at me pouting. "Don't keep secrets."

I chuckled and planted a soft kiss on her cheek. "I think about all the things about you that make me smile. Your eyes, your lips, your laugh, your–should I continue? There are a lot really."

Even in the dark room, I know she's flushed.

"Loko. Ang dami mong alam."

"Wait. You know what I'm wondering right now?" I flashed a goofy smile.

"Ano?"

"I wonder how it feels to hear it from you."

She threw me a dumb look and in return I gave her a knowing look. At last, a smile crept up her lips.

"I love you, too, Bey. Sorry for the late reply."

End of flashback