through it all. | tysh

"I'm not living anymore!! Im just existing!!"

SURPRISE MOFOS
°Dans POV°

I have not been myself at all since Phil passed. He's the only thing I've ever lived for.

I haven't eaten, I haven't slept. Hell, I've barely left my room at all in the past week. I can't say a word probably, I haven't talked at all.

I'm starting to be able to see my hips through my shirt. And if I look at myself through the mirror, I hunch over and I can see my spine.

All I can think about is how Phil would have gotten me out of this depression.

That thought alone makes me a sobbing mess. God, why couldn't have I been the one to kill themselves, phil didn't deserve it, I was the one who deserves it. Phil had too much to live for, I am a lost cause.

That gives me an idea.

What if I can go with phil too, maybe then I'd finally have some happiness.

I grab my razor, I promised phil I'd never do this again. But Phil isn't alive, why does it matter now.

Just as I cut into my wrist for the third time, someone opens the door.

"DAN NO!!" The person runs toward me, ripping the blade out of my hand.

"GIVE IT BACK!! GIVE IT BACK!!" I scream, hoping that'll help, knowing it won't.

"Dan, we aren't losing you too." The person said calmly, realising its Josh.

"What do I have to live for anyways? I'm nothing anymore." I said, tears dripping onto my arm, making the cuts sting.

"Dan, we are not letting you do this again, we almost lost you. God, phil would have been gone longer if you were dead." Josh said hugging me.

"So. I'd finally be happy for once." I said emotionless.

"Dan! You aren't letting yourself into this anymore! You're going to get out of this once you let yourself! You'll start living life how you used to if you'd give yourself a chance!!" Josh raised his voice.

"I'm not living anymore!! I'm just existing!!" I yelled at Josh, and then braking down into his shoulder.

"I'm never going to be able to do anything more than just exist." I said quietly into Josh's shoulder.

"Yes you are Dan, you just need to let go of everything first. You just need to think that you're going to be with him again, not now, but when it's your time." Josh said quietly, running his fingers through my hair.

"I want my time to be now, I can't live like this anymore." I said weakly into Josh's shoulder.

"You're going to get through this Dan, you just need to let yourself get through it." Josh said calmly, this time rubbing shapes into my back.

"We love you Dan and we can't lose you too." Josh said, quieter than a normal tone, but louder than a whisper.

"But I've already lost myself.." I trailed off quietly.

"Then we're going to help you find yourself again." Josh trailed, hugging me tighter.

This chapter pained me to write aswell, but, I think I'm okay now.

I love writing this story as much as you guys love to read it actually. And I think I actually don't see this as something I NEED to do, but as something I WANT to do.

Also, if you guys need any help with anything, I'm always open, just know that I love you all so much.

Join the plant child fam bc we fam af.

XØ, Space Kid