I keep a picture of you pinned the to wall by my bed
So that in the few minutes between sleep and consciousness
I think that things are still okay, and that I am still happy
I can push the crushing weight of the end off for a few minutes
Nothing feels as clear as the sound of a text message
At 1:30am while everyone else in the house is asleep
And nothing looks as clear as the words that say
"I don't think I ever loved you to begin with"
And nothing is as bleary as my vision in the following moments
Before I go completely numb for days and weeks
I keep a cabinet full of medications that have been prescribed
So that after the few minutes between sleep and consciousness
I can swallow every emotion with a few pills
Things are all mono color and I am so, so numb
But I can push the pain of the end away until I forget to take the pills again
Nothing is as real as the coldness spreading through my body
Accompanied by the fire raging across my skin
As I am hit by your words, but refuse to understand them
Nothing is as terrifying as the thought that once again
I will be utterly alone, accompanied only by my self loathing
Nothing is as chilling as the sudden realization
That I'm kidding myself if I don't think I've been alone this entire time
I keep a dress pin hidden in the fabric of my chair
So that in the moments that I realize I forgot to take my medication
I can bleed away the pain with small red scratches
They barely break the surface and they itch and swell
But I can push away the pain until the next morning
When I awake to your picture.
