Sink or Swim

Chapter 4: What I Want (Part 1)

"Cream or no cream?",

"None please", i respond. i sit while staring in admiration of the high level of prestige Ms. Colt's home possessed. It was modern-like yet warm and welcoming at the same time.

"Thank you", i say as she hands me the warm cup of black coffee.

"you know Stacey," she begins, "I was a bit surprised when you called yesterday", she says.

"Firstly, call me Ana" I state.

"Sorry....Ana, yes what drove you to call me yesterday?" she continued trying to resume to the topic.

"Well...umm", I chuckle nervously "I've been thinking about what you said the other day and I thought maybe you were right."

"Fair enough, shall we get started?", she smirked :...and please, call me Katie" she smiled warmly.

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Our session went on for about forty five (45) minutes before we were interrupted by a phone call. It was Dr. S, I was trying to ignore him from my thoughts all day to which i failed miserably.

"Heyyyyy", i say, trying to sound as enthusiastic as i possibly can.

"Heyy umm, i feel really bad about what i said the yesterday and some strange part of me feels compelled to make it up to you." he blurted in one breath. I smile unconsciously.

"I told you....its OK!" I say,

"Ana, i'm serious, and i wont take no for an answer." he states matter-of-factly.

"Ok i'm free Saturday, what did you have in mind?" i ask.

"How about a picnic?.....at about 2 O'clock" he responds.

"Alright, I'll see you then", i say while hanging up.

As i got off the phone I couldn't help but smile, firstly I wasn't used to people apologizing to me, much less, them feeling that self compulsion to make it up to me. For that moment i actually found myself excited about our next encounter.

"Well i wonder who that was, got you blushing, you've met someone already?" Katie asks, snatching me from my apparent daze.

"Umm ...no...not really, that was just Dr.S from the institute, we met yesterday at the cell phone store." I started to explain.

"Yeah, i know him, the new doctor..."she pauses to study my face. She smiles to herself and continues speaking, "He's new in town."

"Yeah I know ...he told me", i say reminiscing almost instantly about how comfortable he made me feel. He seemed so genuine, pure at heart, and of course i don't even know what i'm talking about since I've just met him. But it just felt so right!

"Anastacia Reid, do you like him?" she finally asks while grinning profusely. i blurt out laughing at her preposterous question, i mean how could i possibly like this guy, I've only just met him. That's ridiculous.

"Of course not, that's impossible" I manage to say. 'Its just something about him, strangely attracts me. I can't quite place my fingers on it yet. I find it somewhat peculiar how comfortable I feel around him.' I began to have a mental conversation with myself, but shortly broke it when i noticed Katie staring at me while stifling a laugh.

"What?", i ask ,

"Nothing", she responds casually.

We conversed for about (10) ten minutes more in regards to our second meeting, I thanked her and was on my way.Right opposite the street I spotted a bike shop, it seemed like a good idea to get some fresh air after what seemed like a very long day. A light yet bright blue bike caught my attention, i was instantly attracted to it because it seemed lame yet through its dull color the silver designs in a vine- like pattern radiated its beauty. I smiled at the thought that maybe through the storm a 'silver lining' actually can emerge. I marched into the store determined to buy that bike, it was just perfect. (10) ten minutes later i left the bike shop convinced that i was the happiest girl ever to surface on this earth. I rode through the streets, gazing at the skyscrapers, i looked at the pedestrians as they crossed the streets, they seemed so carefree as they all smiled and laughed with each other. At that moment i questioned whether i was the only one with such a horrible past, whether i had done something, somehow in my short life to deserve this life. I was just about to indulge myself entirely in self pity when i was interrupted by the disturbing horns of an annoyed driver, signalling that the green lights had been up.

I spotted a lovely park area with a pathway leading to a precipice with benches and picnic areas, it grabbed my attention on my way to Katie's house so I decided to explore it a bit before I went home. The wind gently kissed my face as i peddled slowly through the park while absorbing its peaceful nature. As I continued along the path, I passed couples on rendezvous, families on picnics, teenagers on 'first dates'. I noticed an empty bench at the edge marking the beginning of the precipice, i could glimpse the view as i was quickly emerging. I settled the bike near the bench and walked along the grass of the cliff, looking at the bottom i could see large rocks and the waves of the seas aggressively hitting the shores. To say that the view was jaw dropping would be a massive understatement, I fell in love instantly with the colors associated with such beauty, how they all blended in with each other and complemented the sunset. I sat a few feet from the edge and allowed myself to completely relax and allow everything to just fade away into oblivion, leaving my head to feel light and empty with only one duty (which was to 'not' think about anything).

In that moment, I remembered Carmen's famous phrase she always began with "the day you actually belong somewhere..." she always spoke of it as something that was impossible, like one big joke. The faint sounds of kids laughing with their families brought a sense of loneliness and sadness, I hated feeling that way, hence anger would spring about, but this time i allowed myself to be sad. For once i just wanted to unwind and not try to fight anyone or anything, I was just really tired, emotionally, mentally and probably physically. I remembered my aunt and her many letters, I thought about her and the good things she had done for me. I really missed her, but she betrayed me, although I expected her to, I was really hoping that she didn't. I always hoped she was okay, since I haven't heard or seen her in years I thought maybe it would be a good idea to at least hear her voice. I had memorized her number from one of her letters, in the event of an emergency, I dialed the number, and after two rings I hung up. I couldn't do this, after all these years I've refused to speak to her and now I think I can what? just call her back now? who was I kidding?

'Ana calm down, you're overthinking again' The cool part of me said, 'just call her , she loves you'.

I dialed the numbers once again and this time it rang and someone answered. It was her. She sounded okay, well at least I think so , it sounded sort of drained though--"Hello???,who is it?" the voice interrupted my train of thought, "I--I--" I just hung up. I really couldn't do it.

'Ana.....you can do this, lets try this one more time' The cool part was back.

I dialed the number once more and this time she answered on the second ring and before I could say anything she blurted "Look I don't know who the hell you are, or what you want, but I promise you, if this is Billy I will come over to your house and slap you right in the face".

"I'm sorry this was a mistake", was all I could've mustered at that time.

"Stacey???? Is that you?" her voice redeemed instantaneously.

I hung up.

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Author's Note

Heyyy guys, sorry for that long wait! I've been in 'two minds' about this chapter and decided to just keep it short and simple in order to make way for the next big one. Hope you guys enjoy! :)