44 Days (Ereri/Riren)

Day 1

[EREN'S DIARY]

Dear Levi,

Love, I woke up in a hospital bed. The somehow fading scent of hospital medicine was filling my head and I felt more dizzy than I already was.

My first thought was that I've fallen and hit my head, so that was the reason why I'm lying here. That all of the memories from yesterday, or today, because I didn't know what time it was, were just a bad dream. A nightmare.

So I stood up from the bed and walked to the door. When I opened it I saw Mikasa sleeping there. She looked so pale and had bags under her eyes. Then, looking aside my eyes met with Armin's blue ones. He was holding a cup of coffee. When he noticed me, his mouth opened and his eyes widened. He froze in the hall and looked at me, sad.

I furrowed my eyebrows at his reaction. Because I just hit my head, nothing more. I was fine. Yes, I was. Why did he look at me like that?

Then I looked around for you. I thought that you would be waiting in my room for me to wake up. To open my eyes, so I could see that yesterday was just a nightmare. To give you a smile and you to reply me with one of your, almost invisible smiles.

But I couldn't find you anywhere.

I asked Armin. He looked down and refused to meet my eyes. I looked around and went to wake up Mikasa.

As she opened her eyes she immediately threw herself at me in a hug. This was the last time I smiled. The last time I was happy.

I asked her the same question. Where were you? She looked at me with wide eyes. Little by little they were losing their light. I gave her a confused look. I asked what was wrong? Armin finally looked up at me, but when he does - I wish he didn't.

Those eyes had tears in them.

I already knew what the fuck it all meant. I knew it. Knew it since I woke up, but didn't want the truth to come. Didn't want the reality to hit me.

Then I broke down, Levi. I fucking fell on the floor. No I didn't say anything. I didn't scream, didn't call you. The tears were streaming down my face, but no sound was coming from me.

I was broken. Destroyed. Dead inside. Levi, even then I wasn't that pained like I am right now.

It's almost midnight, Levi. And I decided that, that I will be writing here to you. Yes, I know it may be stupid. You would call me a brat, but this thing I call diary is my connection to you. Because I know you are still here. Levi.

Let me tell you what happened next, though I'm sure you already know. You were there.

I didn't speak. I wouldn't question neither answer anyone. I was mute, my love. And, and then. Hanji came.. You saw her too right? She looked awful, right? She's never looked like that before, Levi. Never. It was the first time I've seen her so.. So empty. So sad. Guess that even the cheerful person could be looking so crushed.
And then Erwin. I'm sure you noticed how bad he looked as well, right? He was pale, he was looking down the whole time and he would say nothing, just like me, love.

I don't even remember what happened then. I was back at the house. Our house. The house we were supposed to live in, to raise our children and to love each other.. To love e--...

I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. These tears here.. I don't know if you would be able to read it now. I'll try to not cry. For you, Levi. I want you to read this, so I should be a strong brat and keep my shit together. Just like you would say.

So, I didn't want to look around, because if I did so I would remember. Would remember you and all of our moments. Because every furniture in our house remind me of you, love. And I--

Mikasa was with me. She was the one to drive me back here. She gave me a costume. Black costume with black tie.
I wouldn't even understand. I didn't know.. I.. I assume that it was the state I was in. I didn't quite understand what was happening around me. Funny, because I think I don't get things right now either.

I was like a statue. My face was stoned, but my heart was crying, Levi.
I.. When we get there, I almost fainted again. It was the graveyard. We were burying you, my love. Your body was in that dark wooden coffin. Erwin, Mike, Oluo, Farlan were carrying it. At first I just froze. Your dead body was in there. In that cold, dead wood. Mikasa and Izabell wouldn't let me get near, but I did it anyway. I carried the coffin Levi. And it felt like I was carrying death, at the same time I felt like I was so close to you. Like you were back to life again and when I open the coffin you'd be there with open eyes and ready to hug me. To comfort me, to tell me it's okay, but it's not, Levi, oh it's not.

But I felt you. I really did and I know you are still here because I can sense your presence next to me.
When I was crying at your grave I felt your cold hand on my shoulder. I knew it was you, you wanted to comfort me, oh love. Levi, Levi.. You really did. Your soul is here and I know it. I know it would be here 40 more days, Levi. Till your body become dust.

And I'm okay with that for now. I'm coping with it. As long as I can feel you next to me, Levi. As long as I can find comfort in writing to you.

You know. The idea of this diary was Armin's. He told me to write down my feelings on it everyday. That it would calm me down. It does, Levi. Because you are reading it. You give me hope, that I can live life with your soul around. And I'm trying, I really am trying to live. The dead feeling inside me wouldn't go away, but with you here, I'm okay.

I'll be fine. I'll try for you Levi. My love. My everything.

Now I need to go. I promise that I'll write to you tomorrow again, don't worry. I'll just let sleep take over me and I hope I can see you there. I hope I can be with you there, Levi. I love you. So much.

- Eren