Apartment 207

Epilouge

I crawl out of bed slowly, wiping the sleep from my eyes. I walk to the dresser and pull a T-shirt out, throwing it on. I walk out of the bedroom, walking down the hall to the smell of coffee, and bacon.

I see Jenna in the kitchen making pancakes.

I look over to the living room to see baby Josh on the ground playing with some toys, a small smile comes to my face.

Jenna turns around smiling, but her eyes were clouded with sadness.

Then I remember what day it is.

It's the five year anniversary of Josh's death...

I walk over to Jenna, giving her a kiss on the cheek. "I'll be right back.." I whisper, I walk away and to the garage door. Taking a deep breath before turning the door knob, finally getting the courage to push it and go in.

Without even trying to look, I walk to where Josh's box of things were. I had went to the box so many times I knew where is was by heart. A flood of memories came to me. The coffee shop, music store, the night under the stars... I picked up the box, placing it on the ground. Then I slowly sit down next to it, I look at my wrist where my tattoo was. I rubbing my fingers over it and tracing the letters.

"You deserve happiness, you deserve love. You are good enough."

The words Josh told me when I poured my heart out to him, the night I realized I had someone there for me. Someone that loved me, someone that cared, someone that saved me... But I couldn't save him.

I picked up an old Journal, this wasn't his, it was mine. But It was for him, even though he wasn't here.

I flipped through the pages, seeing a song I wrote for him. "Friend Please" a tear rolled down my cheek and fell onto the paper. I turned a few more pages and saw a poem I wrote for him...

Every time it's a new day, and bits of me have been a erased, I can still see the vague imprint of your face, your smile, and your perfect eyes.

I wrote this a few months after he... died... More tears came, until I was uncontrollably crying.

"I think I may still love you, more than I ever did before.." I whispered in between sobs, I quickly closed the journal placing it at my side.

Slowly grabbing the drum sticks, I remember the day at the music store; where I bought my ukulele, Josh played the drums for me for the first time. Where he bought me the Elvis CD.

I see the CD at the bottom off the box, flash backs of the days Josh and I would sing it, singing it in the car, our apartments

The day I sang it at his funeral.

This boy saved my life, he changed it forever. Even though he's not here anymore I will never forget him, I will never stop loving him...

I just wish I had realized what was going on, I could have fixed it, I could have saved him like he saved me. I was so caught up in life, and finally being happy enough to find love, that I didn't realize that I already had it and that I didn't need to. I miss him, I miss his voice when he would sooth me, I miss his hugs, his laugh, his smile, his face when I'd take him somewhere new.

I miss having him around when I was sad, having a shoulder to cry on. I miss goofing off with Him.

There's nothing I don't miss about Josh.

I began to sob, not holding it back. I just let it out.

"I am so sorry Josh. I am sorry for everything I put you through, I caused this. All of it. I'm sorry. I love you, I miss you. I wish you could be here to see everything. And have a family of your own. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry... But this won't so any good, you're gone. I'm just talking to a box full of stuff! I'm so stupid why didn't I get it, why didn't I hang out with you... I'm sorry..." I cry out, stopping for a few minutes. I pull my knees to my chest, wrapping my arms around them. Sobbing into my knees.

"It's all my fault..." I whisper.

After minutes of crying I finally get the strength to keep looking.

I see a white paper in the box, I reach in to grab it. Realizing it was a napkin, but not just any napkin. The one from the day I took Josh the the coffee shop.

I picked up the napkin carefully, flipping it over to read the words.

"you're my best frien Josh"

Josh had told me that he loved me that day...

I also found out my uncle died, he was there for me. He let me cry on him, I even fell asleep on him because I had been crying so much. He never made fun of me for crying, he'd never tell me I was weak. He would help me through whatever the problem was, I helped him. Until I was the problem...

I shook my head, trying to take the thought out of my head. I lived because of him, and he died because of me.

I placed everything back into the box neatly, going to the other box, the one with his clothes. I pulled the box over to me, opening it slowly. I picked up a sweatshirt from the top, everything still smelled like him.

I hugged the sweater, breathing in and crying. I took in whatever smell I could. I needed the memories of him.

I looked at the shirt realizing there was a small wet spot, I shook my head, taking in one more deep breath before folding it and putting away the box.

I got up slowly, taking a few deep breaths trying to regain my posture. I wiped my eyes for tears than began to walk to the door.

Whenever I walked back inside everything had been cleaned up,
I had taken longer than I thought I would. I saw Jenna playing with baby Josh, she looked up and saw me. She have Josh a quick kiss on the head and walked over to me, she hugged me tightly. I hugged her back crying onto her shoulder, she was there for me.

But she can't replace Josh.

I pull away and tell her I'm going to go to the bathroom, "Take all the time you need, it's fine. Love you." She gave me a kiss on the cheek. I nodded, muttering an "Love you too" and rushed to the bathroom.

I locked the door behind me, I looked into the mirror. My eyes were red and puffy, with tears welling up in them. Turned on the faucet, splashing water onto my face. Trying to recover from my dramatic time in the garage.

I finally come out of the bathroom, seeing Jenna with a smile on her face. Playing with baby Josh who was giggling with the biggest smile on his face, a small smile came to my face. Seeing that I had a happy family, I had people to look after. People to care for, a child who looks up to me.

I just wish he could look up to Josh.

I walk over to them, Jenna smiles and lets Josh stumble over to me. He falls at my feet smiling, "Da da" he said drooling a bit.

"I wish you could be here to hold me and tell me everything will be ok

because every day you're gone

it get harder to forget about the pain"

•

July 7th, 2009

was the day I killed a man; and it wasn't a dream