It Was A Cold November Night [PHAN]

8.Do You Really Want Me Dead Or Alive To Live A Lie?

Who are we really? Are the way people think about us define who we are inside?Does it even matter?

Why would people matter?

Why would I,Dan Howell,lie on someone else's bed,and look straight at a 16 year old boy, just because I'm scared something might happen to him? Why would I be unable to sleep because I cared?

"You can't sleep either?"I heard him whisper.

I shook my head,then realised it was too dark for him to see it."I think we should talk about it."

I heard the sound of his sheets falling off his bed and he got up,just a shadow, a figure in front of me.

Isn't everyone?

"I'm scared, Dan.Whoever was following us in the woods,will try again.And if they know about the list..."He really didn't have to say it.His voice said it all."I've been thinking about it,and there's no way she could've split some coffee on this paper after we ran out of it,which was last week.But I mean...why would she do that?"

"Do what? Murder a bunch of deppressed kids?"I was getting angry with each word."Who would do that fucking shit?"

"I don't know.But the list was on her desk.I can't think she's even capable of doing that, but then again,who looks like a killer to you? Everyone,when you're suspicious.And no one,when you trust people.Our only proof is the list."

I got out of bed and sat on the floor,between Matt's bed and Phil's."Then we need more proof.We already know that everyone on that list is dead,and that their names were on that paper before their deaths.What else did they have in common,besides being deppressed and dead?" I couldn't help but thinking that my name might have been on the list if Phil was never there to save me.

"Well," Phil sat down in front of me."I don't know.Two girls,four boys.Joe Pratt was 16,Emma was 15,Helena and Brad were both 17,Matt and Chris were 16.I don't see any pattern."Phil let out a shaky breath and looked at me with his big blue eyes.I could recognize the panic in them, although all I could see was a figure,an unshaped mystery.

"Maybe we shouldn't look at their age or gender,"I said."Were they in any particular group,club or class? Something must be mutual.Think,Phil."

"Well,nothing that I know of.Maybe we should go to her office again,hm?"Phil said,trying to keep his voice even.

I ran my hand through my hair."Ok.But I go alone.It can't be the two of us.It's too dangerous."

I saw Phil shaking his head in the dark."No.If you're gonna do this,I'm gonna do it too.I'm gonna come with you."

"Phil," I placed my hand on his shoulder."You can help somewhere else.It's not just Graves' office.You can go ask their friends."I pointed to the list."You can find out more about them.What they were doing a couple of days before their deaths,who was the last person to ever see them,these kind of stuff.You're good at talking,and I'm good at faking.We make the perfect team."I half-smirked in the dark,thinking about what I'd just said.

A team.

I don't know how,but I kind of felt a smile shaping on his face."The perfect team,"He repeated."I like the sound of that."

And somehow that made the panic go away -for a while.

#
I walked down the stairs,although all the lifts were unoccupied.I made my way down the halway and knocked on Graves' door three times.

"Come on in."I heard her say.I'd been awake the whole night, thinking about an excuse that could work on her.Something that gets her out of her office,or even make her go out of Oakville for a while.But every idea I'd come up with was just as empty and useless as my existance.

"Oh,Dan.How are you?"She asked with a fake smile.I could tell it was fake.I should know.

I looked at her with the straightest face I could pull.You son of a bitch,you murderer, I will find something that proves you've killed those people on the list.I thought.I didn't have a plan,but I was going to rely on my improvising skills-again.

I got closer to her desk,where all the papers were,still a goddamn mess.I slipped the coffee soaked list of her victims under one of them without her noticing,and I returned the smile-with a smirk.

I was about to finally say something after staring at her for five mintues,but then I heard a knock on the door.

Her face changed.All of a sudden it went from fake friendly to fake respect; and when whoever was behind that door came inside,I could tell why.

He came in,saw me,rose his eyebrows and smiled, just like all those times that I'd wake up in the hospital to see him.

"Pratt!" I was almost convinced that I would never see him again. But on the other hand,I was glad to inform him that his son was actually murdered by the bastard bitch standing in fron of him.

"Doctor Pratt,Dan."Graves said with a scowl.I could punch her right there, and I mean I actually could punch her because I was huge and she was slim and short,not because I just wanted to do it.I didn't,obviously.

"It's okay,Maria.Now, what brings you here,young man?" Pratt was wearing a cheap suit and I could tell that he was in a hurry,based on his messy blonde hair and the way he was dressed,like he had just grabbed anything that he could've found on his bedroom floor.

Maybe someone was sick?I kicked out that idea from my brain because,well, I simply couldn't care less.

"I was just talking to Mrs.Graves about..."I started.

"No,Dan.I mean what brings you here,to my school?"He sat down on a chair and offered me to take a seat.He was still smiling.

Wait,what?

His school?

"Erm...my Dad..." I sat on the chair and tried to avoid eye contact. Focus,focus,focus.Don't show him any sign of weakness.FOCUS.

"I heard about your fourth,Dan.Mr. Howell and I talked about it over phone,because I was out of the country for the past,erm...let me see...16 days.Wow.I've lost track of time here!"He gave me one of those I'm-A-Fucking-Ray-Of-Sunshine smiles that only doctors give you."But he never mentioned you're coming to spend some time here.And Mrs.Graves didn't give me the names until this morning."

"Well,I...erm...yes, I came here and I'm...actually..."

"Are you happy with our special offers?"

Special offers sounded even more ridiculous in his voice.I smirked and got up."Of course I am.But now,I should get going to my group session,thank you."

I practically ran out of the room to breathe.Pratt fucking owned that shithole!And he put his son in here,because he'd thought those special offers could 'fix him'.And then,for some reason,Graves had killed him and had made it look like a suicide.

What a lovely name, Graves.It was actullay so ironic.

But now,time to meet Phil at the group session.Time to find out the reason of these murders.Time to see what Phil's plan had to offer.

I think we all just have to wear masks sometimes.