Have You No Shame? And Other Regrettable Stories

A Very Goyisch Christmas: Part 1

                                                1.                                                                                

            “A long, long time ago, in a land far away, there lived a little girl named was Mary.

            Mary was a very good girl.  She always helped her mother with chores that needed to be done.  She was also very beautiful, with long hair and a fair skin, and all the villagers would admire her.

            “What a beauty!” they would exclaim, as she walked by to gather water from the well.  “She’ll make a lucky man a fine wife someday.”

            One day, her father summoned her to him. “Daughter,” he said.  “I have some news for you.  Smile, for you are to be a bride!”

            Mary was to marry Joseph, a fine man, with kind eyes and a soft black beard.  He was a carpenter, and spent all day in his making things with his hands, like stools and tables and bookshelves.  Mary thought she was very lucky indeed.

            But little did she know that her life was about to change forever.

            For one day, as Mary sat chopping up onions for the evening meal, the angel Gabriel appeared before her.  She knew he was an angel, because wings sprouted from his back and his hair was spun from gold as pure as fire, and also he had with him many naked babies, also with wings.  Mary fell to her knees in worship.

            “Rise, child,” said Gabriel, after he had blown one long note on his golden trumpet more pure and beautiful than the laughter of children, the tears of brides, and the song of the thorn bird combined.  “Blessed you are, for you have been chosen from all women.  The Holy Spirit has implanted in your womb his sacred seed, for the child you shall bear shall be the child of our Lord!”

            Mary knew at once the angel spoke the truth.  She bowed her head and said,  “Here am I; servant of the Lord, let it be with me according to His will,” said Mary.

            But the angel Gabriel, and all of his nude flying children were gone.

            And lo, so was the Annunciation.

            The next day Mary confessed to Joseph her betrothed one of the angel’s Holy visit.

            “Mary, truly you are blessed!” he exclaimed.  “For in the night I have dreamed this very thing!”

            And Mary and Joseph rejoiced together, in a pure, pious and fully clothed way, and soon thereafter became they man and wife in the holy eyes of God.

            Many months passed and Mary grew heavy with child. 

            For some reason no one is sure about except it has something to do with paying taxes, they set out on a long and treacherous journey.  When at last they reached the village of Bethlehem, Mary’s birthing pains began.  Desperately, they searched for a place that she might be brought to bed, but there was no room at the inn, or the next inn, until finally, at the poorest of them all, the innkeeper took pity on them.

            “Alas, I have not a room for you,” said the innkeeper.  “But go ye unto my manger, that you may lie and bring forth your child there.”

            And lo, Mary and Joseph entered the manger, and there upon the straw, our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ was born.

            In the east, three kings of the far away Orient had prophesied that soon the King of all Kings would arrive into the world, and no sooner had the babe Jesus been swaddled than they appeared before him, offering the rich treasures of their lands, gold, frankincense, and fragrant myrrh.  And knelt they before Mary and her babe, and a heavenly host of angels sang from on high rejoicing: ‘Glory be to God in the highest, and upon the earth let there be peace!’