7.21.2016
Now WARNING im about to start a rant. About school. Im not expected anyone to understand what im talking about but i just wanted to let my thoughts into the air.
Now its not gonna be particularly about how cruddy and low maintenance said school may be, but about whats going on with my school in general. Not the school itself, but my options.
Lets begin 😧.
1.
So I was told that I could chose any electives that i wanted. Is that true?
No.
In fact, im only choosing 1 out of my 2 elective options. I want fashion design which is designing and business. My mother wants me to take art. Now don't get me wrong, 2d art is awesome. But i wouldn't really take a class for it because I've already achieved what i wanted and I could use that time and space to learn something else. My mom thinks i should pursue it because im "sooo good at it and i would be wasting a god-given talent".
Now im not gonna trash my art or say its good. It is what it is. But she doesn't realise that a lot of people have that same talent and that in my view you can't become well known in that field because soooo many people are a part of it (2d art paintings and drawings, not tumblr lol) and you'll only make money if people actually want what you make. And i HATE giving away my art if i don't want to. If i make anything out of my own courtesy i don't really care. But if i have it as an assignment with no choice, bad things happen. I'll be painstakingly wasting hours on something that angers me. I'll literally hate the piece and have the desire to rip it in half before submission. I also put my emotions into what i do so when people question it its like questioning me as a person. Now if i give it personally and they ask questions i wont really care. With fashion i can handle it easier and get a grip on myself. She can already tell that I sabotage a lot of my drawings now. Before i learned to do that, she had me show my personal drawing book to one of my teachers. I ripped out a few pages I didn't like and trashed them. RIP old memories.
2. Its not about me, anymore.
It seems like what i want to do in highschool is based on what my teachers and parents want. In middle school i would have to help out with a lot of things without say because my mom would work there and make friends with the other administration. So teachers would think im nice but did i even have a choice? No. I became president of a club named TSA because my mom thought i had the lost experience and she ran the club. I don't even think i was elected. If i was, then she probably went around telling everyone to vote for me and not bother to run themselves. I don't remember giving a speech.
She made me do that animation for my project and my brother's project, which wasn't even fair. I was doing a middle school level project ALONE. And his project, ALONE. We were supposed to use teamwork it whatever and work with the other people who were assigned to that project. She was telling me about how he was stressed and just needed a little "helping out". I had to rush on the projects, even at the hotel site where the competition was. The day before leaving to competition when i was basically working until 2am i stopped and cried in my hands because i just wanted to end it all.
The highschool I'm going to was based on my brother. I would've been able to see all my friends if it weren't for him. I would be going to a highschool closer to my middle school and so i could go see them more. He was slacking, and didn't care, and now that's not gonna happen. He still doesn't even give a bug enough effort to make a difference. Then he gets angry when i make it seem like I'm the older sibling. Typical.
3. Just because someone is good at something, doesn't mean they like it.
Just because i like art doesn't mean i wanna draw or paint or whatever and show and give it away to people for the rest of my life. Think about it like this,
My name is Rachel.
Every Saturday I clean.
Out of everyone in the household, I scrub toilets with the best ending quality.
Every Saturday you make me do it.
Then, you don't understand why i would dislike it if im so good at it.
Not like art is as bad as scrubbing toilets, but its annoying. I just haven't been feeling good lately. Anger issues are back. Hooooray. I think im done for now. Writing this made me realise i cant show everything. I found my old poem diary and ripped up some pages. I worried someone would revive them so i wet it, made a paper ball, and threw it away.
10:45pm
Maybe in my next updates I'll give you guys mini-stories that describe real things that happened to me. Maybe someone can relate to some of my stories... (☆^ー^☆) dang i wrote so much...
Will update soon :)
