Today, I love you

11:57 PM, 19th of July 2016

This must be the worst night ever. I can hear the music from the party where I was supposed to be right now. The party where we were supposed to be right now. Together, like a year ago. They just played the same song which you sang in my ear so tenderly last year.

And now it's over. But it wasn't over for us back then. We didn't notice the music stopping. We didn't notice the people walking away or the bartenders cleaning up or the dj packing his stuff. We kept kissing like it was our last chance to do so. It was until the security guard tapped me on my shoulder and politely asked us to leave, the party was over. I didn't feel a bit of shame, we kissed and we were drunk. It was everything I wished for during my holiday.

It could all have been done again tonight. But you didn't get my texts about me not being able to go since I had no one to go with. If you would have read them you could have asked me if I just wanted to go with you.

So, I had no other choice than to visit the village next to the camping with my parents. We left when the party almost started. Groups of young people walked in the opposite direction of us. I almost swear that I saw someone who looked exactly like you. But that's what I thought from a 20 meter distance before I looked away in case it was you and I had to awkwardly introduce you to my parents. Maybe I just wanted it to be you.

Oh, all the bones in my body told me to turn 180 degrees around and walk along with these people to the party but that would not change the fact that I was alone and desperate. And of course, I didn't turn.

And you might not even have been their either because you were still ill, just like yesterday. But I kind of know you. If you expected me to be there, you would have gone. Even when you weren't able to walk or were almost dying. If you want or expect something, nothing can stop you from doing what your heart tells you to do.

Or you might have been there. You could have stretched out your neck from 9 to 12 to find me or walked 10 laps around the field. Your phone could be broken which explains why you didn't reply. Or you were happy not to find me there and went on the hunt for a new victim for this year.

There's been so many flashbacks so far that I don't even enjoy being here. The spot where we kissed, the spot where we sat, the spot where we hugged and so on. It's tearing up my heart even more. I'm just dying to see you. I need it more than oxygen in my lungs or water in the dessert. I crave you. I need you.