Today, I love you

10:50 AM, 6th of August 2016

You're not the one I'm thinking about while driving home now. This is not how I expected it to be at all although I don't know if I would have wanted it to be any different.

The only thing similar to last year is the feeling of loss. Leaving someone behind that's special to you and not knowing when you will see that person again.

I wanted to talk to him before I left but he had bad luck and became terribly ill. However, I wouldn't leave without seeing him once more. I went and knocked on his door and I stood there, nerves rushing through my body. Would he open? I saw him peeking through the window before opening the door for me. I got in quickly because I was not supposed to be there.

He had difficulties getting enough air to talk and I felt so sorry to waste his time to sleep. We sat there in a hot room, the fan blowing but not making a noticeable difference. The most heat came off his body and it felt as if I was sitting next to a radiator.

I wanted to talk about what we would do with the situation. Me going home, he having to stay there for four more weeks. I would confess to him that I liked him. I would be honest. I know he would have been too, the only thing I don't know now is whether the feelings would be mutual or not but it was not the moment to talk about these things.

He had enough power to hug me. It was one of the greatest hugs I have had because I was fully aware of everything. His smell, my cold hands on his hot and bare back and we didn't let go while talking. He told me to get home safely and I wished him luck for the coming month.

Before leaving, I thanked him and put my arm around his shoulder and he embraced me again. I went with my hand through his hair because I remember he told me he liked that and it helped him fall asleep.

Although I wanted our goodbye to be different, I still appreciate the short five minutes inside that hot room sitting next to a sick person who struggled to breath.

"Who knows, maybe we'll see each other again." That was the sentence I wanted to avoid when saying goodbye but it fell from my lips before I knew. A sentence without a meaning, leaving us both confused and not knowing what would happen next.

Our goodbye was supposed to make everything clear. It should either have been "thank you for everything, I wish you the best" or "thank you for everything, I'll see you soon". Now it's somewhere in between.

And you know, as I'm writing this I realise that it is still directed to you. It feels odd to write these things but in case you ever read this, I want you to know the truth. I'm sick of tiptoe-ing around the problem instead of facing it.

I've learned from you. I've learned that I was a naive 16-year old, believing long distance relationships could work out at such a young age. I believed it was possible to love someone so deeply that the 2000 km between each other were nothing. I've learned that not saying how you feel can eat your heart out and kill you mentally.

So thank you. For letting me learn the ups and downs of loving someone. For being the first one I've loved so deeply. For having the privilege to kiss you lips. For the great adventure. And I'm glad that it's over. I've learned, I've loved and now I've lost but it's not a bad loss. It's the only loss I've ever needed.