how to make a mixtape :: mgc (fin.)

36. ptsd & krispy kreme

It's been three days since I've become Luke and Calum's temporary housemate. I often wake up through night terrors, sweat creeping up my neck and sleep paralysis holding me to the bed. They all are of Maggie -- her slamming my head against the counter, her holding me at gunpoint in my kitchen and telling me to shoot Luke. The one that woke me up this particular night was of her and Michael, and it goes without saying what happened. I woke up, looked at the clock, and now I'm sitting with my knees up, my arms wrapped around my trembling legs. As always, I probably won't be able to sleep for a few hours.

I switch on the lamp beside my bed, and take a minute to gauge my surroundings. Maggie isn't here, I remind myself. She can't get you here. Calum and Luke's guest bedroom is a nice place to stay -- better than my bedroom at the shop by miles. The ceiling has glowing galaxy stickers pasted to it and there's no clutter of books or music albums or clothes anywhere. There an ensuite bathroom connected by the side, and the bed is wide -- enough for me to roll around in.

Sleep dawns on me once more until I hear murmuring. I freeze, keeping my hand locked around the switch for the lamp just before I turned it off. I wait for it again trying to memorize exactly how the murmuring sounded. I retract my hand, and I hear the murmuring again. It drones on for longer, this time, and I lick my lips, throwing the duvet off and slipping off the bed. My naked feet are cold against the floorboards, and my harem pants pool below my ankles. I press my ear to the door, catching a breath of the murmur before it pauses again. I don't move, but my heart beats faster.

"Calum, we need the money," I hear Luke say. I almost back away from the door, but I keep listening. "She promised us the money, but she hasn't given it us yet."

"Don't worry, baby. We'll be fine, okay?" Calum responds.

There's a moment of silence, then the soft smack of lips follow.

"What if we did all that for nothing? What if she just leaves us empty handed?" Luke's worrying, I can tell, with his tensing voice.

"Stop scaring yourself, Lukey. I'll make sure it won't happen. It won't."

I yawn quietly, and glance back to the bed. I walk back over and collapse onto the mattress, deciding that perhaps it might be better if I leave the light on while I sleep. The murmurs were just Luke and Calum, and there's nothing to be afraid of.

+++

I wake up to the smell of pancakes and the winter sunshine parting through the curtains and spilling onto the bed. My eyes open wearily, but I close them straight after. Headache. Headache. Headache. I expel a gust of breath and roll over, groaning and pulling one of the three pillows I have on the bed over my head so the sun is blocked out. The headaches aren't as frequent anymore, only when the lights are suddenly bright and when the sounds are suddenly loud. I've been thinking about Michael too much, I've realised, since I saw him as the eye witness who helped expose Maggie -- on something he blamed me for. Is this his way of kicking me in the gut? Of telling me he's sorry? Of never getting out of my head? I groan again and hide under the covers.

There's a gentle tap on the door, and I call out an affirmation. I hear it creak open, and footsteps enter the room. My first instinct is that it's Maggie, and my heart stops for a second.

I relax when I hear Luke's voice. "Are you okay? I've made breakfast, if you're hungry."

God, PTSD is an asshole. I wish the flashbacks and nightmares and tremors could be controlled without the pills.

I breathe out, and mumble, "yeah, I just..." I tail off. "Yeah. I'll be down there in a minute."

I think he lingers by the door for a couple of seconds, before I hear his footsteps move along the corridor and back down the stairs. I'm alone again, and I push back any thoughts related to Maggie. No more Maggie, I tell myself, sweat budding into my hands. I wipe them down my harem pants, move from under the covers, and stretch out my back and fingers. Today is a new day, I tell myself. Today is a different day.