Breathe Again

Dilemma

(Bella's POV)

...and the moment was over. Jacob was around the truck before I could snap out of it, opening my door for me. I hesitated, wondering if there was a way I could salvage the chance I'd lost. But I lost my courage and hopped out quickly, unable to meet his eyes. I could tell he was watching me, brow probably furrowed, slight frown on his lips. As if he was trying to read my mind. But my mind had never been as easy to read as my face. Even I couldn't make sense of my thoughts.

I trudged toward the house with Jacob one step behind me. Reaching the door, I turned to him. Maybe if I looked him in the eye, maybe then I would know for sure. But that would have been too easy.

"Bells?" he began. I was right; his brow was scrunched & the corners of his mouth turned down. But his eyes were a mystery. They were almost Sam's eyes, distant and guarded. Yet I saw a flash of my Jacob for an instant. Then it was gone.

His too-warm hand reached for mine, then quickly let go. "Don't worry. One of us will be here tonight, too. Now get some sleep. You look awful."

"Thanks, Jacob," I mumbled. "I don't know what I'd do without you." And I have no idea what I should do with you, I added silently.

I unlocked the door and stepped inside, fumbling for the light switch. I turned to see if he was coming in, but he was gone.

Thinking was getting dangerous, at least in terms of my remaining sanity. I washed the few dishes that were in the sink and dug through the fridge for leftovers. I wasn't hungry, but Charlie might be. I guessed he was at the Clearwaters' house, so who knew when he'd be back? I arranged what was left of last night's dinner on a plate, covered it in plastic wrap, and returned it to the fridge. I scrawled a quick note to Charlie, complete with how long to microwave the meal, left it on the kitchen table, and dragged myself upstairs to my room.

A quick check of my email revealed one long-winded note from Renee. There was so much I couldn't (or shouldn't) tell her, so I quickly ran out of things to say and hit send after typing only a few sentences. Well, that took all of three minutes.

I desperately needed a shower, but that would just give me more time to think. So I changed into my old sweats and crawled under the quilt, ready to face the confusing maze of my thoughts and the eventual nightmares that always followed.

Jacob. My best friend. My only friend, if I was being realistic. He loved me in spite of what he was and what I couldn't be. Without him I had nothing, I was nothing-nothing more than the zombie that took over when Edward left me. He'd defied his pack for me, placed himself in danger every night to protect me, and never asked me to be anything more or less than what I was. Sure, his newly acquired supernatural status had caused some problems, but he hadn't abandoned me-not the way Edward had. Not permanently.

Jacob knew me better than anyone, better than I knew myself. Was that it? Was I so busy questioning myself, trying to decipher my twisted emotions and tangled thoughts while Jacob had it all figured out? I remembered Edward's cool embrace, his marble lips, his golden eyes...what was left of my heart wrenched tightly in my chest. Then I thought of Jacob's warm arms wrapped around me, his infectious laughter, and his ability to keep me from falling to pieces again... The pain choking my heart relaxed and I could breathe.

I awoke feeling less than rested and, as usual, screaming. And, God, my throat hurt. Maybe inhaling sea water wasn't such a good idea after all. I guess I'd be leaving the cliff-diving to the Quileutes from now on. I dressed quickly and headed downstairs. Charlie was in the kitchen staring at a cup of coffee.

"Jake called," he said, snapping out of his thoughts for a minute. Harry's funeral was today. Charlie must have been taking it harder than I thought. He didn't even look away from his coffee. I walked over and gave him a quick hug, holding him a bit tighter than usual, then grabbed the coffee pot and poured a cup for myself.