kinotherapy || k.h.g

one

one
/sojin's point of view/
-

depression is not a disease; it's a sickness. it's as common as the cold and as stubborn as it as well. you don't mean to get it, it just sneaks up on you and won't leave you alone.

"sojin? how do you feel?" her calm voice resonated.

my answer is never going to change.

"i'm fine," i replied through a forced smile.

i'll continue to lie to her.

"how is the medication?" she asked again.

it doesn't work.

"it's working, more or less,"

"that's good," she smiled. i didn't.

"it's been over two years now, hasn't it?" she asked me.

as if i'm supposed to know.

"it's been a while, yes," i nodded.

"we're going to have you take an evaluation test, okay?" she reached out and placed a hand on my knee. i nodded again.

the therapist turned and got a clipboard, my clenched hands resting in my lap. i stared down at the ground and tried to focus on the ticking of the hanging clock she had in her room. my heart beat slowed to match the ticking and i relaxed. i hate- hate is a strong word- dislike the feeling of another person touching me. i couldn't stand it.

i took a small breath as the therapist continued to rustle papers around. after twenty ticks of the clock, she handed the clipboard and a pen to me.

"i'll be outside. when you finish the evaluation, just wait for me, okay?" she willed me to look at her.

i nodded again and she got up. i waited for the door to click shut before i directed my attention to the pages in front of me. three pages of asking how i felt; this was a waste of time. i quickly went through the test and tried to make it look like i was happy. the medications, the constant sessions; they were all futile to me. i was the same two years ago, i'll be the same two years from now. nothing's ever going to change.

the therapist came back and took my evaluation from me. she went over it in front of my own eyes. she paged through it at the same pace i filled it out and looked me in the eye.

"your mother and i discussed your current health," she started. "we both think it would be better for you if you went through more tests. is that okay?"

a waste of money.

"okay," i exhaled.

"you'll have to go to the hospital tomorrow for your tests. i already made you an appointment," she handed me a card. "i hope your depression is gone for good,"

nope, it's permanent.

"me too," i smiled.