Cherish [GirlxGirl]

Chapter 15

There are always other ways, sometimes better ways, of handling a situation than those you choose. If you asked my friends, mainly Alexis, I could be cruel in my approach at times. It was never an attempt to be, I just hated to tiptoe around an issue that was best dealt with by stomping right up to it. For once, for one rare moment in my life, I chose the most careful method, or at least I thought it was when I began.

I was kind to Cherish, absorbing all blame, because I was at fault. I had been concerned mainly with receiving what I wanted to receive from our situation but I had failed to adapt and include her desires. I had been a shitty, selfish friend and worse I had realised it was time to let go and refused because...well because I wanted what I wanted and that was all that mattered for a time. As much as I took all the blame I was still faced with her hurt. She felt I was doing it because of her someone else, and mine. It was not about either of them, even though the thought of her and that girl still made me cringe. Our time had simply come to an abrupt end. The moment I found myself wrapped in my own sheets, alone and weeping was the moment I knew things had gone too far. Cherish was never inconsiderate of my feelings. She spared them. Even when I was unbearable and irritating over the years. Even though there were points when she would have been justified, she stayed kind to me. And then she wasn't so kind. She regarded with disgust. She treated me differently. She treated me like other women I had watched mistreat her. It was better for me to give her up now and salvage what I could of the rest of us before my selfishness did any more damage to what had been the best about us.

Terrell was harder. Not because of who he was or his reaction, but because by the time I saw him my patience was low. I wasn't stupid. I knew in the beginning that he wasn't the type of man who wanted a woman to fuck and move on. Family was everything. His daughter and his mother, were everything. I kept away from them, knowing from the start that we were temporary. I knew this but I wanted him. I wanted his presence and his laughter and his compassion and his drive but I didn't want to be his solely. There were obvious indications that he could not handle my way, not all of it. He was mature enough to understand but not detached enough to submit. I had been wrong at first to put him in the middle of my mess. I had been worse because I kept him there past the expiration date.

He said, "I honestly saw this coming. Haven't heard you since the day at the beach so I knew something was coming. "

I shrugged. He was correct. After the beach, the argument... Cherish, I had said very little to either of them. That was Thursday. By Friday I made my decision and then on Saturday morning, I carried it out. He was second by virtue of living further away. I didn't care about the order so much as I cared that it was over.

"What do we do now? Shake hands, hug, kiss one last time? Been a good while since someone broke up with me."

I looked up at him, my forehead furrowed with concern. I was preparing to remind him, yet again, that it couldn't be a breakup if two people never in a relationship. But then if not a breakup what could I call this? It certainly felt like one, for all three of us, from an emotional point of view. I was hurting. They were too. There was a feeling of real loss. And while I would never admit it out loud, I never saw myself ending it with both of them. I used one to keep feelings for the other away. I stayed un-committed so that the one I wanted could never hurt me.

"Honest answer. Is it because of your feelings for her?"

I shook my head timidly. "No. I'm not with her anymore. I'm not with anyone."

The look he was giving made it seem like he didn't believe me. "I never said you were with her. I said your feelings for her."

"I am not with her. There are no feelings for her" I sucked my teeth angrily. His questions made me uncomfortable. I didn't need to keep defending myself. I was drained. In the last few days I'd been accused of so many different things that I was at the ready to profess my innocence. I knew should have gotten out of there immediately. I could already feel it turning into a discussion. I had said what needed to be said. It was over. No more hookups, hangouts or nights over. No more dating. No more complaining that someone else was getting more of my attention. We were wrong for each other for every conceivable reason. I absorbed the blame. So why was I still standing there?