Let's Take the Road Before Us

Chapter 5

I dropped Cas off at his house on the way home. I would have asked if he could spend the night but it seemed too soon for that, especially since we'd probably be sharing a bed. I couldn't trust myself being so close to him without being able to hug him or kiss him or stroke his hair. Yep, I was falling hard.

A couple years ago, if you had asked what my sexuality was, I would have immediately said het all the way. But in my Freshman year I finally realized that staring at guy's butts when they walked down the hallway or admiring their muscles wasn't the straightest activity in the world. I guess it was just the heteronormativity that made me think the only way that I would be into guys was if I saw one and immediately wanted to shove their dick in my ass. In truth, it was a lot more subtle and gradual.

When I got home after dropping Cas off, John was waiting for me. Thankfully, he seemed sober. I told him I was skiing and he smiled up at me.

"Good." Was all he said. I headed to my room.

I spent the rest of the night in my room, writing an essay that was due the very next day that I hadn't even started on. Today was a pretty quiet night as I didn't hear any yelling or throwing things from downstairs. It's a wonder how he always goes on a rampage in front of the windows, sometimes when the shades aren't drawn, and no one in the neighborhood sees. Or maybe they do. They just don't want to say anything, which I guess I understand. It's a messy business that most people would rather just stay out of.

My essay was on the social directives of Pride and Prejudice, and at this point I was just trying to make it to the end. I knew my ideas were crap, but if I made it flowery enough and added enough big words to disguise it to sound good, then I was hoping for a C+. Taking it sentence by sentence seemed to be the best strategy, and I sincerely hoped that by the end it hadn't sidetracked to World War II or something completely unrelated like that. That seemed to happen more than I would care to admit.

Once I finally finished the last paragraph, it was pretty late, so I neglected proof reading and printed it off. After I closed my computer I threw the paper on the ground, promising that I'd pick it up in the morning. I was just too tired to lean over.

I fell asleep quickly and woke up to my annoying alarm. I went through my normal morning routine without thinking too much about it. I had checked the weather so that I knew it was going to be pretty cold, a little bit below 10. I drove to the ski slope and did a couple runs, working especially on perfecting my sharper turns. Once I was done, I drove down to school and changed into my every day clothes in the car.

I eventually made it into French class and sat myself down next to where Cas was going to sit. I knew I should have probably not wanted to see him because of his rejection, but I decided to just not think too much about it.

In a couple of minutes, class was about to start, yet Cas wasn't in class yet. I didn't have anyone else to talk to, so all I could do to not look like a complete loser was to keep checking the door. Before I knew it, the bell rang and his seat was still empty. I held onto the hope that he was a little late, but he didn't show up for the entire class.

After class, I decided to accept that he wasn't coming so I didn't wait around to head to history. There, it didn't make a difference that he was gone, and I was able to actually focus on my steadily dropping grade.

Class went surprisingly quicker than I expected. I was soon heading off to my next class, and then before I knew it, lunch.

I walked into the lunchroom with Crowley at my side, and after we got our food we sat down with the others that were gradually showing up. Lisa found her way and sat next to me. I acknowledged her this time, mostly because I felt guilty for ignoring her earlier. I knew I should have broken up with her already, that it was wrong to keep dragging her on when there was no hope for us. But I couldn't bring myself to do it, I'm not as heartless as some people think. I was just looking for the right time.