I stood outside the room filled with people yet I felt completely alone, like I was stuck in a bubble and everything around me was just distant noise. The tears had since dried and I was left feeling numb, a hand was placed on my shoulder warming my cold skin as cold wind whipped around me pulling at my hair like ice cold fingers. I jumped at the sudden touch as my mom handed me a cup of tea. "Thanks" I replied quietly my gaze never once leaving the pitch black sky ahead.
"Are you not coming back to the wake?" she asked, "maybe in a bit" I replied quietly running my finger round the rim of the cup. "Ok honey but people are looking for you" she told me, "I don't really want to talk to people. To listen to their stories about what a nice guy he was. And im sick of hearing im so sorry for your loss, they have no idea. None of them even bothered with him when he was alive now hes dead everyone wants him" I retorted gripping the cup tightly.
"Adam please you need people now more than ever, Tommy had a lot of friends" she answered. "Friends? Where were his 'friends' when he needed them huh? When he was overdosing and hurting himself. They weren't ever there for him, they didn't have to see the struggles he had everyday. They weren't there in the run up to his death" I said anger boiling up inside me. "Adam stop, what happened was an accident. A tragic accident all these people loved tommy" she told me.
"An accident?! He was run down by Sauli! These people don't give a shit about tommy. They just want the free food!" I cried, "I know adam, but Sauli is in prison now" she answered. "It doesn't bring him back though does it? So what if hes locked away, I don't care all I want is tommy. I want him back in my arms but I cant have that" I said my voice cracking as tears started to roll down my cheeks. The cup slipped from my grasp as I slid to the floor, "I want him back mom. I cant be without him I just cant its too hard, I cant do it" I said hysterically as my mom hugged me tightly against her body.
"Adam I know, but it will get easier" she told me. "It wont, I need him. I need him more than anything" I sobbed. Her fingertips stroked my dark hair shushing me as I gripped her top, "Leila tommys mother wants you" Issac said running his eyes over us sitting on the ground. "Im sorry I didn't mean to interrupt, i'll tell her your busy" he said starting to head back inside. "No its fine, go mom i'm okay" I said. "Are you sure?" she questioned, I nodded as she stood and went inside.
Issac sat next to me and took my hand in hers squeezing tightly. He didn't need to speak as He placed his free arm round me as I rested my head on his shoulder. "Do you want a ride home?" he asked quietly, I nodded I was ready to go home and crawl into bed. I know I probably wouldn't sleep but it was better than being here, with all these people and their fake sympathy and worried looks. He stood and pulled me up as we made our way through the house, I stopped at the door as I cleared my throat.
The room fell silent as all eyes turned to me, "I want to thank you all for coming but if you'll excuse me I need to sleep. Thank you for the cards and flowers, im sure tommy would have been proud of how many of you turned up today. I hope you all get home safely, goodnight" I said barely recognising my own voice which was shaking and broken. I ducked out of the room as we headed into the night air once more and towards Issacs car.
I climbed in as we belted up and she headed in the direction of our apartment, I guess it was mine now. No longer mine and tommys, Sauli took care of that for me. We came to a stop outside as I unbuckled my belt, "will you be ok? I can stay with you if you want" she replied. I considered it, It would be weird without tommy maybe a little company wouldn't be so bad. "Ok sure but I only have the sofa bed in the couch" I replied. "That's cool I can deal with that" she answered as we headed through the foyer and towards the lift.
I slid my key into the lock as it opened with a click, the apartment was chilly, lonely and empty. A hint of tommys cologne hung in the air as I breathed in and sighed choking back tears. I shook my head kicking my shoes off and throwing them under the table as I grabbed blankets and pillows for Ashley. She thanked me, "go on i'll be fine why don't you head to bed you look shattered" she said.
I nodded "are you ok locking up?" I questioned. "Sure I am go on go" she told me kissing my cheek as I went into my room. I crossed it stripping as I went, my eyes running over all tommys things and then to the bed. I collapsed onto it rolling onto my side as I pulled tommys pillow against my body breathing in the comforting scent. Exhaustion took over my body as my limbs and eyes grew heavier by the second as I buried my nose in the pillow and cocooned myself in the duvet. I let out a small shaky breath as I let my eyes close.
