I laid awake staring at the ceiling, I cant remember how long ive been awake. I cant seem to sleep again. I put it down to the fact the sleep medication had worn off, so here I was trapped in my own mind. I looked at the clock and sighed 5 am Ive only slept for a couple of hours. I can hear people snoring or talking in their sleep. Quite loudly I must add, the constant ringing of the reception phone and the voices of the nurses making no effort to keep it down. The noise and constant drug induced nightmares had me feeling drained of energy, im sure the doctor will want to know all about them later on.
I had just started to get back to sleep when a loud, sharp knock on the door had my eyes wide open again. "Breakfast in 30 minutes" one of the staff instructed. "Ok" I mumbled as I rolled onto my side and let my eyes close again. A while later another impatient knock of the door as I dragged myself from the bed and started to get ready. I combed my hair, brushed my teeth and pulled on my cardigan and pants as I joined the rest of the people being led to the cafeteria like cattle. I was handed a watery, weak tea that im sure was more milk than tea as we were all seated.
I could smell the food wafting from the room, it reminded me of the one we ate in when I was at school. Their food wasnt much better than here, at least it wwas slightly edible. I looked at the clock It was only half past 7 in the morning, much to early for eating. Still I ate in a daze stuck on autopilot the same thing day in day out. Katie sat next to me, we had gotten close already. I had found out she was here because she has bipolar.
An hour later we were all gathered in the communal lounge for the community chat, we discussed all the house rules at length for the 10th time since I got here. No talking for longer than 10 minutes, no food in your room, no towels and no physical contact with other patients. I sat in silence as someone started to shout that their book or something had gone missing. She went crazy, shouting and screaming. Insisting that everyone was searched, insisting someone had taken it on purpose.
A girl in the corner just started crying over something I couldn't even get my head around. There are people in here for numerous reasons, anxiety, insomnia, anorexia, suicide attempts among other things. They think I have psychosis, I have a meeting with my psychiatrist later on. It will be the same questions he asks me every time I see him, this place confuses me. I cant quite remember why im here, im so drugged up all the time that each day blurs into the next. I spend most of my time in my room, sitting alone getting lost in my own mind.
At half past 9 my psychiatrist Dr Oliver comes in, "Adam are you ready?" he askes. It takes a few minutes for it to register as I nod and stand following him into his room. I stand by the door one arm across my body holding the other. "You can sit" he said calmly and slowly as I cross the room and sit in the squishy chair. He sat opposite me and pulled out a notebook, "so Adam how are you today?" he asked. I don't know how to answer this question, how do I describe how I feel? I don't answer which is noted, "do you feel like hurting yourself?" he questioned. I shook my head "not really" I said picking at a thread on my t-shirt.
"How are you sleeping?" he asks, "im not" I reply my voice monotone. "How's your mood?" he asked, what kind of stupid question is that? "Confused, depressed" I answered. He nods in response, he ups my dosage of both Seroquel and Abilify both my anti psychotic drugs. He prescribes me Ambien for the insomnia its stronger than other sedatives apparently. It just sounds like medical rubbish to me. Yay more drugs to mess with my head a bit more, once we were done I headed back to the communal room.
"So?" Katie said, before I could answer a schizophrenic guy ran in flanked by staff brandishing a pair of scissors. I don't know what he had seen but he was jabbing away with the scissors. He managed to cut one of the nurses down the cheek and himself before he was restrained, sedated and dragged away by 6 nurses kicking and flailing his arms about splattering blood up the walls. "So how did it go?" she asked pulling me from my trance, "ok I think. They upped my dosage on stuff and gave me stronger sleep medication" I said.
We have process group now, Im not sure what it is but it was boring. People get upset if they haven't met their goals, while others go off on one about random topics that have nothing to do with what we're talking about. One man stands on the table giving a speech about the importance of brushing your teeth. His social worker Lydia promptly cuts him off coaxing him from the table with biscuits.
He sits quite happily munching them as we all listen to some person talking about the todays topic. I can sense someone sitting next to me as I avoid looking in that direction telling myself over and over that theres nothing there. After an hour or so im glad to get out of there as we are all led back into the cafeteria for lunch.
