I unlocked the door to the storage and pushed it open, the automatic lights went up filling the dark room with light. I went inside and started pulling boxes out, "so whats the deal adam? Are you throwing any of this away?" esther said kneeling down next to me. "Some of it, some stuff is junk. Broken stuff throw, things like pictures keep and then some of the clothes can be given to charity" I instructed as she nodded and started to rummage through boxes. I put all the pictures in boxes along with some of tommys things, "hey adam what about this?" esther said as I turned towards her.
She was holding up a book, "what is it?" I asked. She shrugged and handed it to me, my hands ran over the worn leather cover. I opened the book and ran my hands over the indents of writing, "its tommys" I replied recognising the writing. "It is?" she asked, "mhm its his journal. I didn't even know he had one" I replied quietly. "What does it say?" she asked, "this ones from when he was younger before he met me" I said finding a page. "I did it again, I couldn't help it. They kept calling me those horrible names, pushing me. I can hear them now, youre a faggot, backs to the walls boys as I walked past. Im sorry, its getting dark now, dark and cold I didn't" it said and then a long line like someone had fallen and pulled the pen across the page.
"And?" she said, "that's where it ends that page. Its like he disappeared of passed out or something see look at the line" I said showing it to her. "He must have hurt himself or something, see the blood on the page" she answered pointing them out. "Yeah" I replied flicking through some more, "listen to this one" I said. She watched me intently as I read her the words on the page, "I cant take anymore of this. Im going to end it all, my mom thinks im loosing it. She doesn't understand me, no one understands me. Except my grandma, but shes not here anymore. I cant do this anymore, im sorry mom. Im sorry to disappoint you, im not strong enough anymore. I love you"
"I cant read anymore" I said closing the book and swallowing past the lump forming in my throat. "May I?" she asked as I handed it to her, I went back to going through boxes. It was so hard to read that, to read about his pain. How he hurt himself, to see him fall apart so much. Since I had been with him he had only hurt himself a few times. One time he almost died, but he bounced back. I was so proud of him, he was so brave. But reading this I knew he wasn't as strong as he made out and it was painful to think about.
"Here adam listen to this" she said as I stopped rummaging and froze, "saw a really cute guy today. With dark hair and the most amazing eyes ever. A bright clear blue like the water of a lake. He sings, he seems like a bad boy. Its kinda attractive, hes sexy as hell with his tight pants and plush lips. With his eyeliner and eyeshadow, his painted nails and freckles I kinda like him. But I could never ask him on a date, hes probably straight and will just hate me like everyone else. But he makes college more bearable, with no friends it kinda sucks but hes a good distraction"
"That's about you, wow he really liked you. Its sad he had no one though, you made it better for him" she said smiling. "You don't know it was about me" I replied, "yeah right. Dark hair, tight pants, eyeliner, eyeshadow, sings, freckles, painted nails and that's what everyone says about your eyes they are amazing" she concluded smirking. I knew she was right, even im not that stupid. It was unnerving to hear what he first thought of me, he was never one for the lovey stuff but this was something else.
"Yeah, put it in the box. I don't want to hear anymore of it please" I answered. I heard it land in the box as I breathed out slowly, I couldn't let myself get upset. I had a press conference later, I swallowed and bit my lip gently. "Adam?" esther said putting a hand on my shoulder. "Im fine" I said struggling to get my words out. "Ok" she said clearly not believeing me, "ok we're done here. Everything is sorted lets go home" I said standing. My haze not meeting hers knowing I would crack if she looked at me, I picked up the box on the floor and the bags as she picked up the clothes for charity.
I left the storage place and walked to my car, I shoved th bags in putting the box on the back seat as I climbed into the drivers side. Esther climbed in next to me as I stepped on the gas and pulled into the LA traffic, I kept my gaze focused on the road. I could feel her looking at me, watching me, gauging my reaction trying to read my face. We stopped at traffic lights as I swallowed and looked straight ahead, my mind was running wild as esther called my name.
"Adam youre not ok. Don't you dare tell me you are, finding that book really shook you up" she said. I closed my eyes momentarily before the lights changed, she knew me to damn well. Either that or I was rubbish at hiding it, "im fine" I said tightly. "Yeah right, I know when youre lying" she answered as I pulled into my road. "I said im ok, stop asking please!" I said more snappy than I intended. She rolled her eyes, "we'll sorry for being worried" she snapped back.
I felt bad, "im sorry I didn't mean to snap. Its just I don't know, it doesn't matter" I said climbing from the car. I grabbed the box and unlocked the door to my apartment, "im not gonna keep on at you. I just care about you ok" she answered. "I know, I wish I could tell you but I cant not right now. If I do I don't think I will be able to hold it together, I cant loose it. I have a press conference, its. Its not a good look" I told her.
"But later? You'll talk to me later, promise me" she told me holding my hands. "I. I promise" I choked out as she squeezed gently.
