Diary of a Cutter

DOAC ~ 5

Well it's my fault. I know it. People keep trying to tell me it's not but I know it is. They keep lying to me. There was only one person who told me the truth. They were honest. Surprising. Huh? She actually told me the truth. I knew it was my fault but hearing it from someone else made it more clear. So I thank her for that. I told her, "You know it is. I know it is. He knows it is. Its my fault. She responded with, " I know and I have no idea what to say. I'm not gonna lie but I am gonna say that it is not all yours, it's his too. It's between you two." I know it's my fault. It's all mine. And I'm really sorry. I didn't want him to do that. I would never want someone to do that. It's wrong. Why would you want someone to attempt suicide? I don't know why anyone would want someone to. I understand if you hate someone but you don't wish for them to kill themselves. I know what it's like to be told to kill yourself. It sucks. It haunts me every day and ever night. I can't forget it. I don't think I ever will be able to. It happened at school where I usually hang out. All my "friends" were there and they didn't say anything to the people that said it to me. I don't even think they noticed. I walked off after those people said it to me. None of my "friends" asked me if I was okay. None of them came after me. None of them said anything to the people who said it. I was in 7th grade. I had a couple friends in 8th grade. They saw me crying and they asked what was wrong then they went and talked to the guys that said it. I'm in 8th grade now so the people who stood up for me no longer go to my school. I haven't talked to them since the last day of 7th grade. One of the guys who told me to kill myself still goes to my school. He bullies me every once in a while. I try to avoid him. The other guy who told me to kill myself moved schools. The thought haunts me all the time. They don't understand what they did. They don't and they don't care. I am bullied every day. No one understands me. They all say, "I know what you mean." Then they say something like, "I know my mom is a bitch too. Last week she wouldn't buy me a pair of new designer jeans." Like honestly, you don't know what I'm going through. You don't. You may have a slight idea but you don't know what I am going through. You may know what I tell you, but you don't remember. Then there are the people who compare the pain that you are going through to the pain that they are going through. That really pisses me off. It is not a competition. What made you think that I was comparing our lives? I don't do that. It's wrong. What you say doesn't cause you much pain may break someone else's heart. It may hurt you ever so slightly but it could tear them to pieces. Right now I am just frustrated. I wish the one person I want to talk to would want to talk to me. I just need someone right now. Someone who will be here for me. Who will care if I'm not okay. Who will question me when I say my day was great. Who will honestly care how my day was or how I am doing. Is that too much to ask for? I guess it is.