Endless Summer.

.10

once the tire was changed and we paid the mechanic three hundred bucks, we were left alone to spend another day at the truck stop.

the van was eerily silent—i'm sure everyone heard the news and were tiptoeing around me, like i was a double-crosser. it felt like i was honestly but i didn't care; i couldn't do it anymore. just leave everything i know and love to live on the road? it just didn't make sense.

"i'm such an idiot." i thought aloud, staring up at the starless sky. "i didn't mean to ruin this for everyone." i glanced over at nasir who'd been doing the same thing. his eyes had a look of guilt when we shared a glance—despite our harsh words i knew he still loved me.

"you're not an idiot." june was the first to speak. she was always too sweet. "we just...really want you to stay."

"i just don't get it," theo interrupted her pity speech. "you hated yellow springs. you hated your mom, the people, the school, everything. now you're going back?"

"it's just..." i trailed off, not knowing what to say to defend myself. he was right; it didn't make sense. "i want to leave but on my own terms. when i'm ready and i can make sense of it all. this isn't the right way." i tried to reason with myself more than anything. "i have to finish school and it's so much more i have to learn. i can't just leave like that."

"oh," mesi joined in. i didn't glance back to see them but i knew mesi had an eyebrow raised with a look of disdain. he never hid his distaste for something. "so we have nothing to lose and you...have something."

"that's not what he meant." nasir snapped.

"and you're okay with this?" kelsi directed her question to him.

"no." he admitted. "but ganging up on him makes it worse. it's his fuckin' decision so leave it alone." i reached over and gave his hand a gentle squeeze. he didn't return the favor.

"but it affects all of us," theo snapped. "he's goin' back to yellow springs and might rat us out! we've spent all this time on the road and for what? to probably be found?"

i turned around and faced everyone in the backseat. "no!" i yelled. "stop acting like i committed a big fucking sin, okay? i just can't-i'm not as brave as you guys. and i admit, i do have something to lose. my family and my home."

"well that was supposed to be us." june rebutted.

"you guys are. i love all of you; you helped me find myself but this isn't right." everyone sat with downcast eyes, bored with my constant rambles and guilt stricken thoughts. i turned around and plopped down in the passenger seat. the only thing we heard was the wind shaking the van and squeaky brakes from eighteen wheelers passing through the lot.

eventually, light snores were heard too as everyone fell asleep one by one. i glanced over to see nasir still awake—he hadn't broke his staring contest with the moon. his lips were pulled into a frown caused by me. i hurt him. for the very first time.

"nasir," i reached over, caressing his cheek. he turned towards me, his eyes glossy with forming tears.

"it's never been a day where i stopped loving you." he whispered and shifted his body on its side to fully face me. the seats were leaned back so it felt like we were sharing the same bed from how close we were. "lonny jones." he grabbed the hand that was resting on his cheek and planted small kisses along my fingers. "my only lover." i smiled away my tears and let him drown me in his love for the time being.

i missed my mother's home with its fringed window shades and faint smell of orange peels.

her wooden dressers, lined in white felt, spilled over with gold jewelry, cocktail napkins, and church gowns. i missed how every door in the house was fitted with wobbly gold doorknobs.

our bathroom smelled of pine-sol and cashmere woods air freshener.

when cane was still around, we would sleep in the small bedroom off the kitchen—the room our grandmother slept in before she passed.

i could almost picture my younger self reaching way down into the frost-filled chest freezer for the ever-present box of ice cream sandwiches.

i missed the lingering smell of sweet honey cornbread on the lord's day—i didn't realize how much i missed sundays until now.

i love nasir. but he could never equal the feeling of damp grass scratching at my toes and the sight of dandelion seeds floating in the air during spring. his cuddles didn't feel like benji's and his hugs weren't as tight as the deacon's wife.

"lonny, please stay."